Saturday, February 06, 2010
Do You Need A Map?
Remember GrumpyFuck from yesterday? Well, he got himself in good trouble today, as well.
See, today, we had a very, very rich person come, by helicopter, with his “handlers” as well, to take a private tour. As in, so rich, he is one of the top 10 richest people in this country, rich. That’s not any sort of exaggeration or play on words, he actually IS one of the top 10 richest people in this country. Yes, that rich.
So GrumpyFuck took him and some lady on a private tour. When they got back, Mr. Rich did not tip GrumpyFuck. GrumpyFuck threw a fit. A big, fat, whiny fit. He stomped around, muttered shit under his breath, looked, again, like a fool.
What GrumpyFuck doesn’t understand is that people THAT FUCKING RICH typically don’t handle money. That’s what the “handlers” are for. People that damn rich just spend their money by doing things like taking jet engine helicopter rides over the Everglades and then landing on the “heli-pad” at an airboat place and taking an expensive private tour. They then do other things while there and eventually get back on to the jet engine helicopter and fly off, letting the “handlers” do what they do best. Handle things.
Boss ripped GrumpyFuck a new one today for that little stunt. He explained to him what I just said and told him, AGAIN, that he cannot be throwing tantrums in front of the customers. Especially BILLIONAIRE customers.
Because he threw such a hissy fit, he only got $40.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Way to fuck yourself over, dipshit! That easily should have been a hundred or two hundred dollar boat.
Anyway, I didn’t get to see the screaming...which is probably good because I would have been standing there, beaming and, perhaps laughing. Ok, I would definitely have been laughing. And I probably would have gotten myself in trouble for doing that. But, I did hear about it. And apparently the infamous vein in the boss’ forehead was in full throb so you KNOW GrumpyFuck really, really fucked up today.
Would you like to know how badly he fucked up?
He actually spoke to me after that.
Oh yeah. You know now, for sure, what very little power you have, GrumpyFuck. Karma is a glorious bitch and it’s coming back to bite you in the ASS!
(Like I said, I could tell you all kinds of things but I’m not sure how much you really want to hear. But I did have to share this one because everyone loves it when an asshole gets his.)
Today was a very good day.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Some Peoples Children
At work we have one grouchy, old, moody, bi-polar piece of shit co-worker. He can be fine one minute and someone says the wrong word and he’s in a bitchy little mood, grumpy, growling, being a little fuck. We’ve had our “differences”, to put it mildly. And by “differences” I mean, he hates women so, naturally, he dislikes me greatly. I guess it hurts his miniscule testicles that a female can drive an airboat and do well on tour, sometimes better, than he does.
I’ve been privy to all sorts of names, comments, (usually under his breath), snotty remarks and glares for some time. One day I told him that if he had something to say to me, to man up, grow a pair and say it to my face not under his breath as he’s passing by like a little bitch.
Naturally, he took that well.
So, needless to say, I really can’t stand the old, wrinkled bag.
Then we got a new girl and when we started getting along, he decided that really pissed him off. He started doing everything to her that he had done to me. All of a sudden, for no reason whatsoever, he decided I was ok. He joked around with me, spoke to me decently, wasn’t a complete prick towards me. But he was with the new girl and I don’t forget things easily, nor do I trust the piece of shit.
Today, he decided that I had done something to piss him off, (it didn’t affect him AT. ALL!), so he took it upon himself to come down to the boat I was loading and throw a fit and cuss in front of the people on my boat.
That was the last straw.
I hate to do this but I went and told the boss what had happened. The boss had a talk with him and told him it was unprofessional, makes us look bad and was unacceptable.
Well, guess what. I’m back on GrumpyFuck’s shit list again and he’s currently trying to recruit some of my fellow co-workers to his “side”. :::serious eye roll::: Are you getting it when I say I work with fucking idiots? This 50 something year old twit threw a tempter tantrum in front of the customers over something that did not even affect him NOR was it even a big deal. Like, stupid.
Gah, it’s so stupid I don’t even want to type it but to get you to fully understand what we are working with here, I guess I will.
Most of us are assigned boats. We drive the same boats every day. The rest of them, including GrumpyFuck, do not have an assigned boat because they came after us. Anyway, today, I was up next, got the count and started calling people to the dock to load on my boat.
Except...where did my boat go? It’s not where I left it.
I continue down the dock, looking for my boat. I cannot find it and I’ve got all of these people following me. Finally I see my boat next to the repair shed. WTF is my boat doing there? I call on the radio to ask about that. No one responds.
Fuck it, I’m taking the first boat I see because all of the other boats are claimed. It just so happens to be the boat that GrumpyFuck was going to drive that day. Well, there’s two more people going before he goes and this is the only fucking boat available, I’m taking it. It’s not HIS gottdamned boat anyway, it was purchased and is maintained by the boss. And the boss doesn’t give a flying shit what boat you take, just take the damn tourists on their fucking tour.
So, I start to load this boat. Now someone wants to respond to me that my boat is being fixed so I should take another boat and specify which one they think I should take. (This is not the boss, mind you.) I respond that it’s too late now, I have already started loading because here’s the thing: My boss? Does not care about this petty bullshit. All he cares about is that the people come in, pay, get on the boat, go on the tour, come back, buy more shit. That’s it. And frankly, that’s all I care about either. I don’t give a fuck what some wind bag thinks of me or some pot head or alcoholic piece of crap. What I care about is what the boss thinks and said boss keeping me employed.
But I also do not like drama. Unnecessary bullshit, petty drama.
So here comes GrumpyFuck, stomping down the dock towards the boat. I ask him, because I know what’s coming, if he would like to listen to what is going on or would he rather just be mad. He growls, “Like I’ve got nothing fucking better to do all day than clean fucking boats”. See, in the morning, we come in, we clean the boats we will be using that day. Pick up the trash, wipe the seats down, that sort of thing.
Because I took “his” boat, that would mean he would have to take another boat, (claiming he had to clean it which he fucking did not because it had already been cleaned by the person who was going to drive it that day but ended up instead working on my boat).
Why didn’t I just take that other boat instead? Because I had already marched these people down one dock and down a second while looking for my own fucking boat that not one damn person had bothered to tell me they were working on. And instead of walking them all the way back through a crowd of other people getting on and off boats, I just took the first available boat that I knew was not being used right then.
NOT a big fucking deal.
GrumpyFuck then repeats himself but this time much louder ensuring that those on my boat can hear him. He’s trying to make a statement and he’s trying to make me look bad in front of the people on my boat. And, ultimately, he’s trying to screw me on tips.
“Like I have NOTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO THAN CLEAN FUCKING BOATS!” he bellows.
In the end, he never even took a boat.
Let’s summarize here:
My boat was missing.
I took what boat I could.
GrumpyFuck throws a fit and curses in front of my customers, twice.
He had no need to clean any other boat because all of the boats were already clean.
He never even took a fucking boat and, therefore, did not miss out on his own, precious, unassigned boat for any tour at all.
In other words, he was in no way inconvenienced at all. It did not affect him at all. He threw a fucking hissy fit for no damn reason and ended up making himself look like a fool. And the boss, whose ass GrumpyFuck kisses non stop, told him that this time, GrumpyFuck was wrong. The boss also told me, “He’s an obstinate old man, he has issues...” when the boss was telling me that the situation had been taken care of.
But I’m the one on the shit list. Course, that shit list is one or two people, (because the rest of us are tired of his shit), but they are such fucking assholes that it makes work sometimes annoying. Because he will be a colossal prick at work, on tour and will do everything he can to try to make me look like shit in front of the customers. Because he’s a fucking four year old.
I have a headache so I’m going to take a nap now. But do you see what I mean when I say I work with fucking idiots?
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Even More Simple
We discussed what makes me very happy in the post from yesterday. However, would you like to know what makes me even happier than that?
When it happens a second day in a row!
Haha.
Hahahahahaha!
MUUHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!
I wonder if my co-workers had any time to dry their clothes out from yesterday before getting DRENCHED again today! :::hysterical laughing break:::
“Serenity, why do you want your co-workers to suffer like that?”
Because they’re idiots! And the more miserable those idiots are, the funnier I think it is.
While it was pouring rain earlier today, I laid down on my bed and pictured this scenario:
Tourists out on an airboat, going 30mph when suddenly, the skies splits open and rain like water rushing from a thousand water falls beats down on them. They scream, they look around, left to right, right to left and then up to the captain of the airboat. ‘Why is he still driving! It’s raining!’ Because you bought tickets, morons! They grab life jackets to hold over their heads, as if that actually works, goosebumps pop out all over their arms and legs because once again, they did not dress appropriately for the weather, their hair mats down to the sides of their faces and they sputter as water rolls down from their head and in to their eyes and mouth.
The tour guide semi enjoys this display but also hates the fact that he, too, is now sopping wet because of these assholes. He decides to go around one more time just to drive home a point. He eventually finds his way back to the dock where the tourists scramble off the airboat before it is even completely tied to the dock. Some slip and fall on their ass in the mud and the tour guide tells them, “I hope you break your leg!” They flee, in terror of this thing called ‘rain’ and seek shelter underneath a giant Banyan tree. After about a minute, they run to the store to buy towels, shirts and sweatshirts.
The business makes money off of the stupidity of tourists.
The tour guides? Not so much. Which is why the tour guide took them around one more time out in the monsoon. He has to get his revenge somehow and back at the dock is too late. He’s wet and cold but since none of these pieces of shit tipped him, it was worth it. But damnit all, why did it have to rain while I was working, he thinks. Some people are at home, lying in their beds, reading or sleeping. It’s just not fair.
Somewhere, not too far away, is Serenity, lying in her bed, imagining all of this and giggling her ever loving ass off.
The End.
I think I’ll go watch the traffic report now to watch all those people trying to get home in this weather.
“Oh, would you look at that? I think I can see that driver banging on their steering wheel in a fit of road rage. What’s that Mr. Driver? You just want to get home? Guess what? I’m already home! Where it’s dry, comfortable and I’m doing whatever I want and no tool shed is in a car in front of me keeping me from that. Sucks to be you!”
I’ve been giggling like a loon all day.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Simple Things
Who says you need to spend a lot of money to have a good time?
Do you know what makes me extremely happy? Brings me great joy? When tourists come out to take an air boat ride and get absolutely drenched because it begins raining, hard, while they are on tour. Especially when the weather forecast called for rain all day long. If they are too stupid to check the weather report before they come out, I will laugh, hysterically, at them.
And do you know what else brings me immense happiness?
Knowing that my co-workers are out there, as well, being slammed by the rain, sopping wet and not getting tips because the tourists blame us tour guides for the weather.
This joy is heightened when it’s my day off and I’m sitting at home, warm, comfortable and dry.
Much like I am right now.
Listening to the rain pouring against my roof and windows.
Aaaaah.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Punxatawney Eats Those Assholes
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love animals. In fact, I think I’ve made it pretty damn clear here on this blog. You know I’m against animal abuse and neglect. I am also for animal welfare in that I want animals to be treated humanely and their deaths to be quick and as painless as possible if they are to be eaten. And again, I have no problems with eating animals because I eat animals.
Nonetheless, PETA, the so called “animal rights” group, makes me roll my eyeballs clear out of their sockets with their complete idiocy. Have you heard their latest?
When Idiots Breed, You Get PETA Members.
They want to replace Punxatawney Phil…
...the groundhog who is taken out on February 2nd, Groundhog’s Day, to let us know if there will or will not be six more weeks of winter, (a cute little tradition), with a robot.
Excuse me, I need to go collect my eyeballs that rolled out on to the floor and put some ice on my head where I smacked it.
........
How fucking ridiculous can this group be? They claim that little Phil is abused by the crowds and the noise. Are they shitting me? Abused?
”...Mr Deeley told the Associated Press that Phil is kept in a climate-controlled environment, is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture and is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania”.
For fuck’s sake, I guess we better shut down all the zoos and aquariums while we’re at it. All those crowds. All that noise. Those poor, abused animals.
Hey, let’s shut down airboat places as well. It is completely pointless to try to educate people about animals so that they’ll have more respect for them and treat them better, NO! It’s much better that we shut everything down that draws people in because the animals are being abused by all that noise!
Shut the fuck up.
I get “abused” by all the noise and naked, “I won’t wear fur” protester crowds that PETA creates...let’s replace them with robots!
Have these assholes ever been out in the wild? Do they have any fucking idea just how noisy animals are? And how many of them there are out there? Let’s replace all the wildlife with robots to cut down the crowds and noise from other animals! All that abuse! Animals abusing animals! The horror!!!!
PETA is one of the worst killers and abusers of animals out there. Perhaps they should concentrate a little harder on the shit they pull before they start telling everyone else how to run their lives and do things. Fucking morons.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
You've Been Had
Ever since we had really cold weather here in Miami...unprecedented temperatures, (which, coincidentally, killed a lot of fish, iguana and other creatures because it was so cold for so long), I’ve been glued to the Weather Channel.
It made me feel better to watch others suffer through the bitter cold as well. Snow storms in places that don’t typically get snow storms. Massive ice storms everywhere...even in Texas, for crying out loud.
I wonder if this is that global warming that the Goracle was talking about and St. Hope and Change went to Copenhagen to discuss and then promise a good hundred million dollars a year of taxpayer money to help combat.
I cannot believe people still buy this shit. Look out your fucking window, morons. You’ve been duped. I even have people on my tours asking those ridiculous questions. “How does global warming affect the animals here?”
Couldn’t possibly tell you, idiot, because they all froze to death.
It is truly astounding how stupid people are.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saccharin Overdose
Kids, you may wish to make an appointment with the dentist soon because your teeth are going to start decaying with all the sweetness you’re about to see.
These are photos of a baby panther owned by our wildlife show guy. I’m posting several because you cannot have enough cute baby animal pics. (And because he refused to look at the dang camera.)
Everyone say, “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!”
(No, I am not choking him on that last photo.)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Snakes On A Boat
We interrupt this program to bring you this STC special. [Update-photo finally loaded, scroll to see!]
If you have been paying attention, at all, you probably are aware that I work in the Everglades driving airboats. Now that we’ve established that everyone is on the same page, let me tell you a little story.
Some of you may have heard that we have a real bad snake problem down here...pythons, to be exact. And that would be true. We do have a big problem with pythons down here. I won’t go in to a rant about the asshole people who have caused this to be a problem, (along with iguana, dogs, cats and other sorts of animals dumped out here), because that’s not what this story is about and frankly, that rant would go on for days. Right now, I have a headache and I’d like to remain calm.
Why do I have a headache, you ask? Well, for one, it was a bit on the warm side today and when you add in physical exertion to that mix, some of us get headaches. Physical exertion? Yes.
See, there I was, on tour, giving said tour, minding my own business when suddenly a tourist pointed to the right hand side of the channel. I looked and looked and could not figure out at what he was looking. He asked, “Did you see the snake?!”, all excited. I was expecting to see some tiny ass banded water snake or something so I looked again, this time for a snake and holy shit what did I see but a huge ass Burmese python sitting there.
If you are in the Everglades and you happen upon a python, please call Fish and Game so that they can come out and get it. The reason for that is because these snakes EAT all of the native animals around here: birds, snakes, fish, alligators, etc. We don’t want them here.
I finished the tour and about two hours later was finally able to go out with a co-worker to see if the snake was still there and if we could catch it. We got in to the area and it didn’t take us long at all to find it. The thing is huge. I turned the boat around and we got as close to the chunk of land, (at the base of a pond apple tree...the root system), the snake was on. I held the boat in place while my co-worker searched for the head, found the head and then grabbed his snake clip thingies to hold the head so that we could drag the snake in to the boat.
Problem was, this snake was way too big for his tools so the grip was lost and the snake went in to the water. We thought we had lost it and were a little bummed. But, the snake eventually hit the side of the boat and naturally turned away from it causing it to swim right next to the boat.
My co-worker reached in to the water and grabbed the snake by the back end and pulled it part way in to the boat. My job was to take those snake clip thingies and clamp around his head when I saw the head.
Oh and I saw the head. I saw the head when the snake came flying up out of the water with its mouth open in our direction and hissing at us, ready to bite us. That was rather unsettling as this snake’s head is about the size of my hand.
I grabbed on with the clamp thingies but again, they were not designed for a snake this size so the snake easily slid out of them. At this point my co-worker told me to take the back end while he searched for the business end. I grabbed the back end of the snake and hauled some of it back in to the boat while my co-worker had his hand in the water looking for the head.
Kids...this was one strong ass snake. It started to wrap itself around my wrist and arm and was actually dragging me out of the boat in its fight to free itself from us. I told my co-worker, “I’m losing the snake...I’m losing the snake!” He’s yelling, “Hold on! Let me get the head!” I’m thinking, “DUDE! I’m not going in to the water with this fucking thing!”
Just when I thought I could not fight this thing any longer and I was going to lose my grip, he found the head. We hauled it in to the boat and started to play the game of, ‘let’s stuff it in to this plastic bag’. At first we tried to get the tail end in first but that wasn’t working out so well so my co-worker got the snake’s head in to the bag and held him down to the floor of the boat while I tried to stuff the rest of him in to the bag. The tail was easy. It was the rest of the girth that was a struggle. Not only was this snake heavy, he was strong!! I was trying to fold part of him to get him in the bag and he was not budging an inch.
After much fighting, struggling and yelling at the snake, (because yelling usually does the trick, “Oh! You want me in the bag? Well why didn’t you just say so!? You don’t have to yell at me!"), we got most of him in the bag. That was when my co-worker let go of the head.
Apparently I leaped over two rows of seats in a single bound when he said, “I don’t have the head anymore”. By this time though, it didn’t really matter because it was pretty much in the bag and he just tied it up. I stepped back to the driver’s seat and we came back to the dock where all our other co-workers jealously investigated our catch.
Our live catch.
Our 13 foot live Burmese python catch.
With our bare hands.
Not a single bite.
We made a phone call and tomorrow someone is coming out to destroy it. Now look...I don’t like killing animals when I’m not eating them. I have a real problem with that and I don’t feel good about this impending death either. HOWEVER, if we do not get rid of that snake, it will eat all sorts of wildlife out there, including alligators. This snake is big enough to consume a 5 foot alligator. And the area this snake was in, we have Purple Gallinules there, turtles, baby alligators, young alligators...all kinds of stuff in this particular area that this snake would easily have snacked on. In fact, two Purple Gallinules who enjoy our company were only about 15 feet away from this snake when we found it again to capture it. So, while I don’t like it, I understand it.
What I do like, though, is that I have a live capture of a 13 foot (estimated), Burmese python under my belt while most of the guys I work with have only caught dead ones or little ones. Some of them have issues with that and that brings me great joy.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
YAWN!
Looks like everybody had important things to do today. I drove morons around today. Not all of them were morons but most of them were. And cheap ass bastards as well. Cheap ass bastard morons. That’s one hell of a combo and takes great patience to deal with these types all. day. long.
Thank God it’s over. Tomorrow is another day. Hyuck, hyuck.
Right now I’m eating hard boiled eggs and shelled peanuts for dinner. Very exciting meal choice. It’s on the expensive side of the menu in all the high end restaurants and I am having it right now. Seethe with envy, kids.
When I’m done with that, I’m going to spend the next 10 minutes getting the knots out of my hair.
Hey, I heard a joke: How do Germans tie their shoes?
In little knotsies.
My German co-worker thinks that’s hilarious.
I wish I was rich.
Update Every night I say the same thing: “I’m going to bed early tonight.” And every night I do no such thing. However, tonight, I’m going to bed early and that’s final. Stupid people are too exhausting. I have to get out of the hospitality/tourism industry because I seriously cannot take any more stupidity. And this industry? Man, you meet the DUMBEST fucking people on earth. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...everyone should have to work at least, at the least, two years in a hospitality or tourism job. Then maybe people would stop being such fucking idiots.
Update Sometimes I just want to smack the teeth right out of people and their inSIPID questions. In the mornings, it’s still pretty cold...not horrifyingly cold but cold enough to warrant the work jacket we own. Especially because, as the captain of an airboat, I’m sitting high up in a seat and do not have a windshield or other passengers’ bulk to block cold wind from beating on me all day. Regardless of that situation, if I am feeling a bit chilly, I put on a jacket. If I am not feeling a bit chilly, I take that jacket off. I think we all learned this long, long ago. But apparently, some people in this world think I’m too fucking stupid to know how to care for myself.
So, today, I’m wearing my work coat because, again, I drove all day today and, again, it started off a little chilly this morning, especially, again, being the driver of said airboat way up high in the seat with no protection from said chilly wind. And at least for me, once I get chilled, I can be chilled the rest of the day.
At one point, as I’m tying up the boat at the end of a tour, one of the tourists asks me, “Aren’t you hot?”, referencing the fact that I’m wearing a coat.
This was a particularly shitty tour and the tourists were particularly shitty and boring and zombie like and really I just wanted the damn tour over with so I debated internally how to respond.
Evil won over.
I replied: “You know? I am but I can’t figure out how to fix that.”
She said, “Take off your coat.”
Me: “Take off my coat? Are you sure? I’ve heard that was just an old wives tale and that the actual process of removing the coat does not actually cool one down. Have you ever done it yourself?”
At this point I think she got the drift that I was fucking with her.
She didn’t tip me.
Bitch wasn’t going to anyway so it was worth it. Talk to me like I’m stupid, you’ll get the same in reply. Fucking idiots.
Alrighty then, with that, it’s time for me to hit the hay. Usual schmusual....clean litter boxes, wash hands, grab water bottle, peanut M&Ms, Kindle with “Under The Dome” by Stephen King and read and pop candy until I pass out.
My GOD my life is exciting!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I'm Baaaaack!
Well, well, well, look who did not heed my warning. YOU! Therefore, the boring attention whoring continues.
(I would like to say ‘thank you’ to Jan because she GETS IT! And Blood Spite...three years is unacceptable BUT I do give you props for saying something today. The rest of you? I eyeball you warily.)
Now. Then.
Back to the cell phone. I looked at my co-worker’s phone today and found out that the web access is total shit and would not suit my purposes. Those purposes being coming to my site, writing boring ass shit, detailing every last minute of my day, LIVE and sharing random thoughts. So..you have been spared for now but you will RUE the day when I do find a phone that allows me FULL access to the web in a ‘pay as you go’ plan and the phone does not cost the same as a car, she exaggerates.
It’s ok...the phone was ugly anyway.
So...today I drove and pretended I liked people for each trip. I now have a headache but it’s slight so I think I’ll live. For lunch, I had french fries. I was going to have a grilled chicken salad (sans salad dressing because there isn’t any at work..cheap bastards), but someone had fries and I made another co-worker go get me some as well. By the time I was done with the delicious, humongous fries, I no longer cared to dine on my grilled chicken salad. So I fed that to the birds.
Now, I’m about to go have some dinner...oh wait..I have to heat it up first. Shit. Eventually, I’m going to have some dinner, is the point.
When I got home, I cleaned my bathroom and the cat water dish out and that has been my day, thus far.
Oh, real quick before I go, (and I certainly hope you’ve learned something the past two days...this will not be the end of the post..pshaw! As IF you would be so lucky...updates WILL follow), I would like to thank the state of Massachusetts for pulling their collective heads out of their collective asses at a time when it was really important. Course, anything can happen anyway but it’s a step in the right direction and it most certainly does send a message. I see back pedaling in the near future.
Update The cats just knocked something over. They are always doing this. I have to go see what the hell they’ve wrecked this time. Cats are a lot of work. Gottdamnit! As I was writing that, they fucked something else up. Buncha little shits!
Update Turns out one of the cats was trying to get in to the cupboard where I hide the stash of cat nip. He was trying to be all sneaky about it but he knocked over a bottle of salad dressing, (yes, it’s unopened..der!), and that was the crash I heard. The little punk was looking for a fix. He has a serious drug problem. It’s embarrassing the entire family. I think I should contact A&E to do an intervention.
Update Reader, Mat, wants more anti-stupid posts. My God the stories I have....where do I even begin? How do I choose? Let me think which one I’ll share and I’ll get back to you. I have years of material about stupid people. YEARS!!!!!
Update The strangest thing has happened to me. Here I was, thinking of all of the stupid people stories and I got stage fright. Yes. I started doubting my abilities to write something to entertain. This does not bode well with me. The only thing I can think of is that when I do write about stupid people or one of my famous rants, it’s because I am writing it before I even know what I’m doing. Really. I do not sit down and think, “Let me write this..outline it, build the characters...” I just write it. In fact, often times when I write on this site, it’s something that just flows out before I even know what I’m really doing. Sure, I know I’m writing something and sure, I know I’m on my website but sometimes I’ll sit down to write something totally different and then out pops a rant or post about the stupid fucking idiot I had to deal with recently.
And the real kicker is, when I’m done, the venting is over, I will re-read what I wrote because I hate typos and grammatical errors, (although I still make plenty), and I’m almost fascinated by what I’m reading because it’s like I don’t remember writing it. Does anyone have a damn clue as to what I’m talking about? I don’t mean that I’m possessed or anything, I mean sometimes it’s easier for me to write something really good when I DON’T think about it and just let it happen.
Hm. I could have just said that last part and saved us all a couple of minutes.
Anyway, I was thinking about where I’ve recently met stupid people and these are the categories:
Work, Store, Post Office, Road, Parking Lot, Gas station....
Speaking of gas stations...I just went recently to fill up my tank on one of those cold, blustery days we had here. Because I work for tips, I try to spend the cash money on food and gas and things like that and reserve the checks for paying bills from my account. Whatever, anyway, so I go inside to give the counter person some money so they’ll activate the pump for me and I saw something that I see a LOT where ever I go....I’d like to know if you do, as well.
So, I grab my wallet, walk in to the store through one door while another patron is walking in to the store through another door opposite me. I see him look at me, look at the counter, calculate the distance we both are from the counter and RUN to the counter to be in line in front of me.
Is he serious?
Are all of the people who do this, SERIOUS?
Do I wear a look that states, “I’m a slow ass shopper and will hold you up for hours”? I’m the last person you need to worry about holding up the line because the less interaction I have with the public, the happier I am.
Does this happen to other people? And I don’t mean once or twice or even once in awhile, I mean ALL the time!
Ok, anyway, back to stupid people...wait...we just talked about one..but back to my list. I figured I just posted about some of the stupid people at work, co-workers and customers alike so that wouldn’t do. I already told you about cell phone bitch, the Post Office...I’m still not ready to talk about it, roads, parking lots...I write about those all the time as does everyone else...I need something original.
Like the bitch and the towing sign that I wrote about some years back. Or the bitch and my dog, that I wrote some years back. Or the bitch and the parking spot in front of the apartment building I wrote about a few years back.
I guess that is my destiny. I’m supposed to go through all of this with the stupid people, the bitches just so that I can come back here and write something out without being fully conscious of what I’m writing just to entertain you all. I can live with that...especially if people actually started commenting on those posts. Why should I suffer alone?!
Wow, I think I just bored even myself with this update so I’m going to find something else to do now. I think I’ve realized, you can’t force these posts...you just have to let them come to you naturally.
Update Kids, you got off light today. I mean, really, this was by far one of the most boring posts I’ve ever written but it was short and much like a quickly ripped of band-aid, the pain only lasted a short while. That’s because I had to drive all day today which meant I worked hard. I have to drive all day tomorrow, as well so you may get lucky then, too...we’ll see. HOWEVER! This Friday and weekend? The gloves come off!
And by the time I get two more days off, I will re-evaluate what has gone on around here and decide whether I shall keep with the boring or try something new. It all depends on you. THINK about THAT while I go get ready for bed. And then go to bed. And read...take a guess....have you been paying attention? Yes, that’s right, “Under The Dome” by Stephen King, the best damn story teller there ever was besides Mark Twain...and I will, again, eat peanut M&Ms until I pass out.
Tomorrow is yet another day, kids. Don’t you love it when people say that? “Tomorrow is another day.”
THE HELL YOU SAY!
And grass is green. The sky is blue. Chickens have wings. This is fascinating stuff, thank God you shared with me! Tomorrow is another day....all this time I thought tomorrow was the same day.
As Bill Cosby says, (paraphrased), “A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need it.”
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Another Day Of Silence, Another Boring Post
It’s a new day and that means it’s time for a new post filled with mind numbingly boring, trivial crap that you all, apparently, have been asking for with your NON action.
“Oh but Serenity, there’s comments on your other post! Please stop the cruelty!”
No. I will not stop. Do you know why? Because most of those comments were by ME and the rest of the comments do not equal the amount of readers I get by any respectable percentage. So, I may only assume that you must have enjoyed my ATTENTION WHORE post filled with boring insights in to my life and, therefore, shall continue. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!
Thus far today I have done one more load of laundry. The hamper is now empty. Right now, I’m about to get up and get something to eat. But before I do this, I’d like to pose a question to all of you that was asked of me in the comments to my last post because it is a fine, fine question.
Really, when ARE mattresses NOT on sale?
Chew on that one, kids.
And if you missed out on the post and comments below because you are the type who only reads the top post because you are LAME as hell!!!!!!!, then I implore you to take some time to get to know the bored me, the ATTENTION WHORE me and some of my real friends who actually engaged in conversation. You know, because they are not rude and respond to someone when someone is speaking to them instead of acting all indifferent and uncaring and making the speaker feel as if they are talking to a brick wall or themselves or both.
Now, I’m off to get my lunch. Oh but I’ll be back. You thought yesterday was bad? HA! HA HA HA HA HA! Amateurs.
Update Yes, already! I’ve decided that I’m going to create a new category for these posts. It seems wrong to put them under “Personal” because while your DEAFENING silence feels personal, it’s not what I want to think about when I think about personal things. So, I think I’ll create the ATTENTION WHORE category. Or something to that effect. I have to eat first so I can think clearly. Please feel free to pretend I’m not here while I do this. And don’t give me any crap about how you are at work which means you are working because you people are full of shit. I’ll bet you’re on your Facebook account right now writing something really stupid or telling the world that you just cleaned your fish tank in FishWorld, as if anyone gives a shit. You COULD be spending your time productively on this site but apparently you find your stank Cafe much more entertaining. I’ll be back.
Update Thought I’d share a little insight. I buy parchment paper. Do you know why I buy parchment paper? So that when I’m making my lunch, I can wrap my sandwich and my pickles up in the paper to give the affect that I got my lunch at a Deli so it will taste better. Really. I have no other use for parchment paper. Alright, I have my lunch now and am back at the computer but I’m not speaking to you while I eat. Two can play this game.
Update In other news...estimated 200,000 dead in Haiti, 1.5 million homeless. Geeez...man. You know what else is sickening about disasters like this? The cold hearted assholes who don’t care about those who were affected, the people who scam off of those trying to donate help and the people who think we should not be helping out. Yes, we do have our share of homeless and starving, anyone who debates that is an idiot. The point is, before you open your gaping maw to say such nasty things, throw some money to both.
Update I’m done with my lunch, btw. I had a great business luncheon with the cats. We exchanged ideas, opened the floor for complaints and/or suggestions for improvements. They thanked me for their new piece of furniture. I thanked them for actually using it instead of me wasting all that money. It was very productive.
Update I had forgotten all about Johnson and Johnson’s “No More Tears” spray. I had to use it as a little kid because my hair was so fine and it worked well. I rediscovered it when I went to the store to pick up supplies. All this time, here I’ve been, yanking and pulling at the knots in my hair after driving air boats all day. Totally unnecessary. I spray some of the “No More Tears” detangler on my head and the brush goes right through. Plus it smells good. Wow, I’ve been plugging a lot of products lately and not getting a dime for it. I’m a giver like that. Would be nice if some of you would GIVE some comments up. But hey, that’s alright, keep giving me the cold shoulder. I got plenty of useless crap to talk about. I’ve been storing it up for years.
Update I just remembered I’m supposed to make a new category for these punishment posts. I’m thinking of calling them PAW...Punishing Attention Whore...yes, I like the sound of that. As in, I, the ATTENTION WHORE, am punishing you all. It’s like a super hero name...or villain...I’ll go with either because that’s how I roll. Now, I’m off to comment in my own comments section of my own blog because SOME PEOPLE are kind and considerate and have left me comments that demand my attention. See there? ATTENTION. Someone spoke to me and I’m going to give them the ATTENTION THEY DESERVE! Unlike some OTHER people I know.
update I’ve been using a laptop for almost a year now and I’m STILL not used to this tiny ass keyboard. Currently I’m watching someone drown on t.v. These two statements do not go together, no. You are absolutely right. But you know what? I care not. Not only will I write boring, I’m also going to dismiss transitions altogether! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
Update A reader, (a reader who CARES, that is), has inspired me to branch off, periodically, in a new direction for these posts. Oh, no, I’m not going to go completely off the path...it will still be as dull as your mama’s face but it will add a slight twist to the whole thing. Now, you may be thinking, “A-ha! A twist! That sounds interesting! That means you have failed, Serenity because interesting is the opposite of boring! HA HA, we win!” Allow me to help you reach a new level of enlightenment. The twist is even more mundane than the main thoughts. You’ll soon see.
Update I wonder if I should put that candle over there or closer to that. Hmmm. I’m not sure those colors go well. Let me think on it for a moment.
Update Has anyone seen my car keys?
Update Forget the car keys. The cats probably have them. I’m going to go take a shower. Got some new products to try out. I’d tell you about them but I’m not so sure you all deserve that seeing as you’re NOT LISTENING ANYWAY.
Update Here’s something I’ve wanted to say for some time but always forget because it’s just never come up as a natural topic in my blog posts: Ladies...if you insist on wearing sandals or open toed shoes, for the love of GOD, pay attention to more than your damn nails. All I ever hear are ladies saying what a sin it is to walk around in sandals without painted nails...but they completely forget the rest of their feet. So, yah, you have nicely done nails but your feet are all fucked up, gnarled, dry, cracked and just fucking gross. I’d rather see smooth, soft well cared for feet with no nail polish than that shit some of you ladies are sportin’. Some of you have some ugly ass feet and should NEVER wear sandals EVER! Think of the children! I keep my feet covered, in shoes, THAT FIT and do not fuck up my feet so that some guy will think I’m cute and/or sexy, and my feet are soft and nice looking. If you insist on wearing shit that fucks up your feet, take those fucking things OFF the second you get home and start taking care of your poor feet so that the rest of us don’t vomit at the site of them when you choose to show them off in sandals again. There are these things called pumice stones or you can get special feet massaging wash and please, invest in some quality lotion. No, not that cheap ass watered down shit, QUALITY lotion...something that is heavy, creamy and rich. Seriously.
Update I somehow just cut myself. I’m not sure how the hell I did that since I have not been handling any knives or anything sharp. Very strange.
Update Sigh.
Update SIGH, I said.
Update So let me continue telling you about that whole cell phone story...the one I almost bought. At first, I went in to an actual store where they sell the phone and the plans. I walked in and waited while the snot hag behind the counter finished her personal phone call. There was no acknowledgment that I was a customer waiting to be helped, she just kept sitting there with the phone to her ear. I didn’t even hear her talking....just sitting there. With the phone. To her ear.
Eventually she put it down and said, “Yes?” Not, “Hi, how are you? Is there something I can help you with?” or, “Sorry that took so long” or “I’m such a shitty little bitch and have no customer service skills to speak of and I’m not clear as to why they keep me employed here but since I’m done listening to all of my messages on my cell phone and have nothing else to do, I guess I’ll see what you want. Why are you here?”
I asked her about the phone and a pay as you go plan. Her response? “Yes”. Ok, let me word this correctly. I said, “A couple of my co-workers have this phone but they have the $50 a month plan. I do not want the $50 a month plan because I don’t use the phone that much. Do you have a ‘pay as you go’ plan?”
Her: Yes.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: Ok, now, are there certain phones that are to be purchased with this plan or do all phones work with that plan? (I asked this because some companies operate just like this.)
Her: :::waving arm dismissively towards the phones::: You can get any of those.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: And in this ‘pay as you go plan’ is there an expiration date?
Her: You just repay when you use the time up.
Me: I understand that but is there an expiration date for that time/money I put down?
Her: You just pay when you run out.
Heavy, heavy sigh.
Me: Yes. Again. I understand that. My question IS, is there an expiration for that time/money I put down. Like, does it only last a year?
Her: You just put money on it when you run out. It’s pay as you go.
Someone fucking kill me.
Me: Yes, I GET that. What I’m ASKING is, say I put $30 on that phone. Say, at the end of a year, I’ve only used five of those dollars. Will that time/money expire? Say I don’t use that $30 for 10 years....will it still be there in ten years?
Her: Um..yah, you just put money on it when you run out and need more time.
Fucking! Forget it!
Me: Is there some contract or anything I can read to explain this?
Her: You don’t sign a contract.
Me: Do you have any literature to read?
Her: No.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
I then looked at the phones under the glass counter top and then looked at her while she stared at me looking at her and then looking at the phones again and then looking back at her. O. M. G.
Me: So....can I look at one of these phones?
Her: You have to come back when the guy is here.
Me: What guy?
Her: The guy that sells the phones. You can come back this time tomorrow.
I glance up at the clock. It’s almost 5pm. Is she saying that the “guy” will only be here “tomorrow” at this time or does he, perhaps, have a schedule that lasts for oh, say, at least 4 hours if not 8 hours tomorrow and that I can choose any time between this time and that time to show up? I say nothing but look back down at her waiting for more information.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: So you’re saying you cannot help me?
Her: You have to wait for the guy.
Me: You couldn’t have said that at the beginning?
Her: (shocked...she was actually shocked that I might expect some sort of helpful information!) ::staring, mouth open wide then utters a teen-age girl scoff/laugh:::
Me: Nevermind, fucking idiot.
(Yes, I did say that.)
So, couple that with looking around on the computer and having a moment to think, really think, just how much I use the phone and how I’ve done just find thus far without one and you can see why I am not getting a damn cell phone. The company should give her an award..perhaps “Employee of the Month” since she lost them a sale.
Update I was just cleaning the litter boxes, (again!), and I thought of something regarding the cell phone. The reason I was even remotely serious about looking at it was because it had a camera/video and web capabilities. See, my digital camera died and the one I want to replace it is really expensive and since I can’t seem to get my readers to come back, repeatedly in a day, I don’t have as many advertisers as I could have and make enough money to buy that camera which, in turn, would stimulate the economy, help a few people keep their jobs and I could snap fabulous and though provoking photos to put up on my site, I thought it would be a good alternative for the time being. I mean, some kind of photo is better than no photo at all, right? Besides, the sample photos seemed to be pretty decent quality. And, also, the web thingie.
See, I have to work again tomorrow which means that I will not be here all day to update my boring ATTENTION WHORE posts, (don’t think for a minute that you’re getting off the hook because I can still write a hell of a lot of useless shit in the three hours after I get home and before I go to bed....is all I’m sayin’...), because I can’t very well type on my laptop while driving an airboat. HOWEVER! With the phone, complete with Qwerty keyboard, (tiny though it may be), I could still actually punch out a few things during the day in between tours and kids, you have thus far been spared some really horrible shit because I have not had this ability. See, by the time I get home, I’m so mentally exhausted from the stupidity of it all that I close the doors, windows, curtains and blinds to block out the world in order to decompress and find some kind of sense again and when I do finally feel I have enough strength to continue on, I have forgotten much of what drove me to that state in the first place. But with a cell phone with keyboard and web access DURING THE DAY...it will make these past two posts look like child’s play. Remember my post about my co-workers making me stupid? That was just stuff I hadn’t blocked out. Imagine if I typed it all out in real time! You could live it WITH me!
So I’m going to rethink this whole phone thing again. But I think I’ll go to a different store because that stupid bint behind the counter at the one I went to will definitely get me in trouble. And we just don’t need no steenking trouble, now do we? No, we do not.
Update And, with all of that said, I’m again going to bed to continue reading, “Under The Dome” which is a fascinating story by none other than Stephen King, on my Kindle which is about the coolest damn gadget I’ve ever owned and again I’ll be popping the peanut M&Ms like a sloppy, drooling, trailer park trash pill popping drug addict until I pass out.
And I will be back tomorrow. And I’d damn well better have some comments to let out of moderation. And I may just try to figure out how to stop moderating comments so that you can all have conversations in the comments section when I’m not around.
Until then, kids....
Update Fooled you, I’m still here! I came back to bring you this breaking news...actually, let me do this correctly:
BREAKING NEWS: As of this moment, comments are no longer moderated. You do still have to fill in the captcha shit because I’m not down with spam but I am going to allow a free for all in the comments until someone fucks it all up for everyone. Do not disappoint me, kids.
Monday, January 18, 2010
You Heathens
Why have none of you ever mentioned at any point in the past 7 years just how cool Crock Pots are? I shouldn’t have to ASK, you should just tell me.
I’m putting you all on notice.
And I may come back and make more asinine statements in this post today because I’m incredibly bored. I actually have everything done that I need to do and have been scouring stupid sites on the internets all day today. You have been warned.
Oh, and would it fucking kill you to leave a comment once in awhile?
In fact, the more you all do not comment, the more I’m going to write extremely trivial and boring shit on this here blog. You really do not want that. You think I’m kidding? Don’t test me. I can go on and on for hours talking about boring ass shit that is of no interest to you, whatsoever.
So you wanna play me? Ok, let’s begin with laundry. I have done 3 loads of laundry today. I have two more to go. This includes folding them and putting them away. I use Gain laundry soap. I never measure, I just guess. And then I pour in the fabric softener at the same time, I don’t wait until the washer tells me to do it because I like to live dangerously. Rules are for pansies and little girls. When they are done washing and drying, I like to pull them out of the dryer, hug them to me and take big long deep breath...God I love the smell of Gain.
Wasn’t that fun?! Keep up the silent treatment and I’ll give you a “How To” on folding fitted sheets.
DO NOT MAKE ME GO THERE, KIDS!
You aren’t doing shit today anyway. You’re off work, yes, but I bet you’re sitting on your couch, staring blankly at the television, scratching yourselves and picking Doritos crumbs off the front of your shirt. So spare me the, “I was busy” crap because I know you lie. I got more where that laundry discussion came from.
Update There’s a mosquito in my house.
Update It just bit me.
Update Twice.
Update I’m now eating dinner. It’s a dinner I made in my crock pot that none of you bastards bothered to tell me about in the last 7 years. The mosquito is dead. I’m not having him for dinner. Although the thought crossed my mind.
Update Earlier today I almost purchased a cell phone because I haven’t had one in a few years. Meaning, I stopped paying on my “pay as you go” phone and I think they gave the number to someone else. Although I still write that as my phone number when I order something online. I mean, what difference does it make? I’m not going to talk to the company on the phone because I hate talking on the phone. I’d prefer to conduct my business via email because people really irritate the shit out of me and holding and shitty music and press 1 for this 2 for that and all that other horseshit really grates on my nerves...so it would be pointless.
And I don’t talk to my friends on the phone because I have no friends. Then when I do make a friend, for however long that friendship lasts, especially if it’s a guy friend, I would be constantly looking at it, checking it, wondering why it’s not ringing. Why am I not getting text messages every other minute? ZOMG, they must hate me now. I must have said something in my last text or email or phone conversation that made them think I’m strange and now they don’t want to talk to me but can’t figure out a way to tell me they don’t want to talk to me so instead they’ll just not talk to me at all and leave me hanging wondering, forever, the error of my ways; I’ll travel through life, numb, trying to figure out what it was but because they didn’t have the courtesy to just tell me, I’ll never know; far and wide, to the ends of the earth I’ll search for the answers, I’ll ask strangers on the streets, “What’s wrong with me? Do you think it was this or that or was it how I said the other?” and they’ll scream about the crazy lady harassing them and I’ll have to run off before the cops show up and end up in yet another town to meet another one who will do the same thing and on and on through my life it will go until I die a slow, painful, lonely death always wondering, “Was it something I said?” but never once stop to think that maybe it’s because other people have a life and just because I do not have a life does not mean every one else needs to be there for me 24/7 to entertain me to fill that chasmic void which will in turn drive the person away but of course that won’t click for some time and I’ll email those I know and analyze every last damn angle, syllable, word, punctuation, minute to death until they get sick of talking about it and to me and vanish for awhile and then I’ll feel all fucking stupid and depressed and then get pissed off and think, “fuck the world, I don’t need ‘em anyway” and vow never to let that happen again and sever all communication including devices such as a cell phone.
I then decided not to get the phone. I just saved myself $80 today. I deserve a reward.
Update For dessert, (quick digression: People, please learn the difference between “dessert” and “desert” in spelling. You use the “s” twice in “dessert”. If it’s too difficult for you to remember this simple spelling, then use this lesson I was taught as a kid: You put more s in to dessert because you want more dessert, you do not want more desert. As someone who used to live in the desert, I can attest to that), I had a glass of chocolate milk. Not just any old chocolate milk, I got soy chocolate milk. Oooh, I can see the eyeballs rolling now. Spare me, kids, I’m no veggie head or granola eater. I just ate two pork ribs from my crock pot...which, by the way, was falling off the bone my GOD why didn’t you assholes tell me about these things before? However, as much as I hate regular soy milk, (seriously, that shit is nasty), I love the chocolate milk because it’s not too rich and doesn’t feel heavy after you drink it. It’s got just the right texture, just the right flavor, right weight to it...it’s perfect. I prefer Silk brand myself. If you’ve never had it, just spend the $3 next time you go to the store and just try it. And yes, it does actually taste like chocolate. The first sip you take, there will be a slight soy after taste, I won’t lie but take another sip right after it. It’s good and it’s not that fake ass dieting chocolate crap that companies try to pass off to fatties who are trying to lose weight but can’t keep their pasty mitts off the chocolate bars. Their substitute for chocolate is fucking vile. This Silk chocolate milk, on the other hand, is perfect. I’m off for now to finish my glass but I’ll be back with more boring ass shit for all of you out there ignoring me as if I do not exist.
Update One of the cats is trying to eat my scalp.
Update I’ll have you know, I just cleaned the litter boxes. Do you see the excitement that you miss around here when you don’t bother to stop by! You no longer phone, no longer write...this is the thanks I get for raising you for 7 long years?!?! UNGRATEFUL SWINE! And just when, exactly, will you be producing some blogkids for me to pretend I give a shit about pretend I give a shit about? Do something with yourselves. Get up, get a job, cut your hair and fucking stop by once in awhile just to see if I’m still alive. I could be dead, lying in a pool of congealed blood for WEEKS and no one would know with the amount of attention you give to me.
Update Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I have just partaken in “ATTENTION WHORE” week. If you all keep this up, I could turn it in to ATTENTION WHORE month. Or even ATTENTION WHORE year! Keep acting like you don’t remember who I am and we’ll just see what happens, Mr/Mrs/Miss SmartyPants.
Update I’ve just been informed that commenting on my own comments in the comments section of my own blog is an accepted ATTENTION WHORE technique, per Dogette, the genius behind the celebration.
Update I have watered the plants.
Update My internet went out for a few minutes so I was unable to update you all with my status. This is unacceptable because I, too, am BUSY AND IMPORTANT!
Update I am now going to bed and will continue reading, “Under The Dome” by Stephen King, (my favorite), and eat peanut M&Ms until I pass out. I will probably wake up tomorrow with an M&M wedged, melted underneath me. And I will once again post boring and utter crap for everyone out there who pretends they’ve never heard of me. This is your own fault so I don’t want to hear any bitching about this. YOU did this. I learned it by watching YOU!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sometimes The Stupidity Is Painful
As it should be.
Kids...seriously, people are stupid. Stupid. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!
First of all, it has been cold as hell here in Miami. It’s been in the 30s, low 30s and with wind chill added in, it feels like it’s in the upper teens to low 20s. That’s cold no matter where you live so don’t give me your sob stories of how it’s -89 degrees where you live.
The first part of our stupid people marathon is the fact that even though it’s 30 something degrees with a wind chill making it feel like upper teens to low 20s, and even though one of those days it was also raining, people still came out for airboat rides.
I’m not kidding.
“Oh I’m used to this type of weather.”
You fucking moron. Do you stand outside for an hour out in the freezing ass cold rain where you live? Do you hop on to a boat and speed around on open water where you live? Do you allow yourself to get soaked to the bone and remain outside for another 45 minutes with temperatures in the 30s, where you live?
NO! You do not. Use. Your fucking! brain! Gottdamnit!
But they came. And they laughed at us, all bundled up, scarves, 6 layers of clothing, gloves, face masks, hats, etc. Oh they thought it was the funniest damn thing they ever did see. Ok, mother fuckers. You think that’s funny? Just you wait.
On the tour they went, hysterically laughing at all of us “light weights” in Miami. Until we picked up speed.
See, not only was it in the 30s with freezing ass rain and wind making it feel like it was in the upper teens to low 20s, add in another 30mph to that from the airboat.
Oh! What’s that?!
You’re FREEZING! IT’S COLD?!?!?!?!?!?! THE HELL YOU SAY!
Once they got a taste of that wind blasting right in to their faces, they were no longer laughing. All they could do was sit as close to each other as possible and shiver the stupid out of them. But we weren’t done with them yet.
No, you don’t get to go back to your heated little vehicle just yet..you still have to sit outside for another half an hour to watch the show. Oh yes, you paid for it, you’re getting it. You didn’t want to listen to us, you wanted to piss, bitch and moan about your money, fine. Freeze you fucking tools.
And freeze they did.
Oh how we laughed.
And the next day, more idiots came out to try it all over again. And today, they’re probably going to do it again...thankfully I’m not there to watch them because I really, really cannot take it anymore. I really felt like punching them all in the face and asking, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
We even had one douche bag come in to the store, shivering, asking, I do not lie here, if it would be cold on the boat.
That’s the point I had to turn around and walk away. So this is what stupid looks like.
The second file in our stupidity marathon is brought to you by moronic fucks trying to stay warm inside their homes. Kids, a space heater costs what, $30, $40 dollars? Not too expensive. And why people act like Miami has never had a cold day before, EVER, (yearly we get at least a week), I’ll never understand.
So, space heaters are flying off the shelves, one store stated he sold 300 one day, 450 the next day, 200 something the following day..cha-ching! Good for him. (People might have thought to purchase one of these at any time of the year before it gets cold down here. Granted, it has not been THIS cold since forever but it does get cold here every single year to the point of needing some heat.)
But one family was too cheap, too fucking lazy to go get a space heater or plan ahead. So what did they do to keep warm? Why! They decided it would be a grand idea to bring the BBQ PIT INSIDE THEIR HOUSE and move it from room to room, lit, to keep the place warm.
GENIUS! SHEER BRILLIANCE! I wonder why no one has thought of THAT before!!
It must be a South American thing because I’ve heard of others who have done the same thing and destroyed kitchen ceilings in their rented homes. They’re lucky that’s all that happened.
Getting back to our genius family, you’ll never guess what happened! No, seriously, you’ll never guess!
Hey, how’d you guess? That’s right kids, they all got carbon monoxide poisoning from the fucking charcoal used to light the grill. And they proceeded to spread the toxic fumes all over the house when they kept moving the grill from room to room. They are all now in the hospital.
Well hot damn! That idea worked after all! They’re all warm and snug inside their hospital beds! There’s no need to throw away thirty hard earned dollars on a space heater! We’ll just put ourselves in the hospital and get free heat!
Finally, 3rd stop on our idiot fuck marathon, the dipshit who left a space heater in the “baby’s room” unattended. I wonder why my house caught on fire?!!!!
Kids...please feel free to smack the shit out of the next stupid person you encounter and tell ‘em it’s from me. It doesn’t matter where you live, they are everywhere and I just do not have the time to get to them all. In fact, let’s make this a new cause…
Slap the stupid out of people!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Total Garbage
So, not only are the airlines only going to hold us hostage for a mere three hours, they’ve decided that for the last hour of our flight, our only choice is to stare blankly ahead at the seat in front of us.
Band-Aid Solution To A Real Problem.
1. During flight, the aircraft operator must ensure that the following procedures are followed:
1. Passengers must remain in seats beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
2. Passenger access to carry-on baggage is prohibited beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
3. Disable aircraft-integrated passenger communications systems and services (phone, internet access services, live television programming, global positioning systems) prior to boarding and during all phases of flight.
4. While over U.S. airspace, flight crew may not make any announcement to passengers concerning flight path or position over cities or landmarks.
5. Passengers may not have any blankets, pillows, or personal belongings on the lap beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
Not only that, but they’ve decided that they are going to pat down 100% of the people. Would these people PLEASE give me a fucking break!?!?!
The little old lady with white hair and her poodle in a carry on pet carrier is NOT a fucking terrorist. The exhausted family of four, returning from a ski trip in the Alps is NOT fucking terrorists. We know damn good and well what to look for. But because we don’t want to be racist and because we don’t want to be sexist, we just simply won’t admit to ourselves or anyone else just what those things are. Fucking PC gone way too far. Now everyone will suffer because of terrorists.
The hell if I’m going to sit and stare at nothing for a full gottdamn hour before landing. What if I have to use the bathroom? Too bad? Shall I wet the seat, instead? I’m not allowed to read a book or magazine or my Kindle for a full hour before we land? I am not allowed to type shit in to a Word document on my laptop one hour before we land? Oh and heaven forbid! should my sweater sleeves cover my hands.
Are you idiots serious?
Let’s not actually talk straight and confess to what the real problem is, OH NO! My God, that might offend someone!!!!! No, let’s just treat everyone like a fucking terrorist! Fuck you, TSA. I’m not a mother fucking terrorist and I do not appreciate being treated like I might be one. You know damn good and well what to look for. It isn’t me and my damn Kindle one hour before landing, you stupid twats.
Once again, instead of actually tackling the real problem, (Hey! How ‘bout those Visas you fucking fools are throwing around like candy), we’ll just slap a SpongeBob band-aid on it and tell the American public that we are working hard to solve it. In reality, you fucking morons are not solving a damn thing.
And the American public will slurp this up like it’s the best tasting bullshit pie they’ve ever eaten, even make excuses, “Well, if that’s what keeps me and my family safe, then I guess it’s worth it”, instead of standing up and saying, “Hell no!” and refusing to fly.
Because we are lemmings.
Being led off the cliff to die.
Because we are stupid, stupid people.
And we never wake the fuck up until it’s far, far too late.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Ya Think?
Let’s see...it’s winter. I wonder what happens in winter in many parts of the country. I wonder. It happens, in many parts of the country, year after year after year and has been happening for centuries. What could it be?
Wait a minute...is it...snow? Does it snow in the winter time in many parts of the country, year after year after year?
Why yes! Yes it does!
And yet, every fucking year, people act like it has never snowed where they live, EVER! “Oh my God! We got 20 inches of snow!” Oh please. That’s not even two feet of snow. Big whoop.
“Oh Serenity, how easy for you to say, you live in Miami. What the hell do you know about snow?”
I know snow very well. I’ve shoveled a hell of a lot of snow in my lifetime and I’ve walked in the snow, driven in the snow, played in the snow, skied in the snow. I grew up with way more snow and ice than these pansie whiny bitches are seeing this year. Or last year when they cried about it. Or the year before. And will whine and carry on about next winter.
Look, kids. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: IN THE WINTER TIME, IT SNOWS!! Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little but it happens EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR! But it’s always the same people moaning and complaining about the snow that comes EVERY! WINTER!
“OH MY GOD! It’s snowing! Oh you just don’t know how rough we have it!”
Funny how you never hear Montana or North Dakota or most of Washington state, (we’ll skip Seattle since they are just as bad at the whining when they see one snow flake fall gently from the sky), Oregon, northern California, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, etc piss, bitch and moan endlessly about the fucking snow.
“But they’re used to it!”
And so should the people on the east coast because they get it all the time as well. Shut. Up. about the snow.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
My Job Is Making Me Stupid
Or maybe it’s this entire town, who knows. Here are some things I’ve heard at my job in the past...oh, about 3 months:
Whenever I point out that something can’t be that way because it would be illegal, I get told, “Oh, there’s a new law that just passed this year that allows that.” Apparently there are a lot of new laws out this year.
“Smoking pot is not bad for you. That’s a government conspiracy. You believe what the government wants you to believe. I smoke it every day, it’s not bad for you.”
“The guy who shot JFK, Lee Army Oswald...”
Scene: Co-worker studying for nationalization test brings questions to work to test our knowledge. (I’ve shared this before but I’m doing it again.)
She: “Who said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death’?”
Me: Patrick Henry.
Others: “Thomas Jefferson.” “Yah, it’s Thomas Jefferson.”
Me: No, it’s Patrick Henry.
Others: “No, it’s Thomas Jefferson.....Patrick Henry...please...scoff...hahahahahhahahaha...it’s Thomas Jefferson.” Look at each other all smug.
She: “Patrick Henry.”
Me: :::Stupid pricks:::
“It’s beer o’clock!!”
“It’s beer thirty!!”
“I’m gonna go smoke some pie!” (This is what they call pot.)
“Piss!” At random moments. No, it’s not in conjunction with anything...it’s just out of the blue, random moment, someone just yells, “Piss!”
“I don’t read, it’s boring.”
“You’re gay.” “No, you’re gay.” “No, you’re gay.” “No, you’re gay.” “You’re gay times infinity.” (I wish I was making that up.)
We have some roosters at the park where I work. When one of them is looking for them, they will say, loudly, “Where’s my cock?! Has anyone seen my cock?!”, because they are 4.
Showing me a newspaper article: “Read this headline.” I read it. It says, “Haitian Community Coming Together”. I look up, “Ok...what?” Them: “I’d call that perfect timing! BARHARHARHAR!” Don’t worry if you don’t get it....it was so stupid I didn’t get it for a couple of minutes. Until I remembered who I was talking to.
As with “Piss!”, periodically, for no reason, someone will yell out, “Bob Saget!” for no reason.
Mon: “I’m still hungover from last night.”
Tue: “I’m still hungover from last night.”
Wed: “I’m still hungover from last night.”
Thur: “I’m still hungover from last night.”
Fri: “I’m still hungover from last night.”
Sat: “I’m still hungover from last night.”
Sun: “I’m still hungover from last night.”
“It was all because of Bush.....” (Still.)
“You don’t burn calories just from moving around at home or work. You have to exercise to burn calories. Walking around all day at work doesn’t burn calories.”
“Fuck these tourists. Only 4 of them tipped me. I’m going to be late on rent again this month.” This comes from a guy who budgets in $400 a month for pot. He can’t pay his rent, but he can afford his $400 in pot every month.
Me: “There’s a plethora of issues here...”
They: “Serenity’s using big words again...she’s trying to make us all look stupid.”
Me: :::I don’t have to say anything and you all will still look stupid:::
I wish I could say that this was 5 minutes of conversation out of the day but this is pretty much all the conversation one gets throughout the entire day. When you top it off with tourists asking the dumbest questions on earth, (really, there is such a thing as a stupid question....example: Tourist is standing right next to the boats on the dock. They’ve seen people loading in to boats and unloading out of boats at this dock. They then ask, “Where do we go to get the boat.” I pretend they have stumped me and reply, “Hm. Uh....to be honest, I’m not sure.” Many of them have no idea that I’m making fun of them), I think my IQ has slipped about 100 points since I’ve been here.
I’ve not had an intelligent conversation in 2 1/2 years. No wonder I can’t think of anything to write these days.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Look Out Your Window For Pigs Flying
1) Yesterday I went to the store and not only did the cashier speak to me in English but she understood me without me having to repeat myself several times AND she was pleasant. No attitude for speaking English.
2) Charles of Little Green Footballs has drunk the Kool-Aid. I cannot fucking believe it.
3) I’ve witnessed Karma nail 4 people within a year of “what they did” and Karma is putting some serious hurting on those people. You better believe this stuff, kids. Karma IS.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Only The Good Die Young
Don’t know about you all but I love watching the local news. There’s always some idiot over dramatizing an event or saying something completely moronic and when they cut away from the anchors, we get to see more of that from the public being interviewed.
Have you ever noticed that every single person who was somehow killed was a good person, hard working, family oriented, caring, giving to the community? Ever notice that? No bad people ever die. No one ever comes on and says, “He was kind of an asshole and it doesn’t surprise me that he got shot.”
Just this morning, I was watching the local news for the traffic report, (I love to get up early on my day off and watch everyone stuck in traffic....oh how that makes me laugh). While I waited, a report came on about a guy who was killed over the weekend. Once again, he was a caring, hard working family man. Yah, ok, “family man”....that’s why he was killed at a strip club? Cause he’s a “family man”.
I don’t care if you think it’s ok to go to a strip club and frankly, I’m passed giving a shit if guys want to throw their money away at those clubs but spare me on the family man crap. In my opinion, a “good family man” spends time with his family at night, he doesn’t spend his “hard earned” paycheck at the strip club while his wife and kids sit at home.
“Oh Serenity, have some compassion, a guy was killed!”
Yah, whatever. I guess as I get older, I have less compassion for people who put themselves in those situations. This good, caring, hard working family man went to a strip club, got mouthy with someone and got his ass capped. Sigh...nope. I just have no sympathy.
Anyway, just once I’d like to see someone get on the news and tell the truth. “He was a total selfish prick, he was loud and obnoxious, aggressive and went somewhere he shouldn’t have been. But we loved him anyway.”
That I could believe.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Ignoring It Won't Make It Go Away
This post is specifically for those who don’t get it. Too many people do not understand the difference between animal rights and animal welfare. Too many people make a mockery of those who say they support animal welfare because they think of groups like PETA who do more harm to animals than they help. Too many people think animal abuse is funny or that joking about it is funny. I find it as funny as joking about child abuse. Why don’t more of these people joke about beating the shit out of a kid? Because it’s not funny. Neither is beating the shit out of an animal or some other form of torture.
Many people did not understand the uproar over Michael (spit) Vick. They thought people were overreacting and they were mad at all of the “bitchy little animal rights” people. Too many people just have no fucking idea what type of torture many animals endure every day. I guarantee you that as you read this, an animal is being tortured or abused in a horrific manner.
I thought very long and hard about including these photos on my main page. I know it’s going to be upsetting for some people. I know some will be angry that I didn’t put them, “below the fold”. I know some people will not understand why I am doing what I’m doing no matter how I explain it. I thought maybe I should put them hidden with a warning.
Then I thought, no. Absolutely not. People do need to see what animals are going through. Maybe if they see it, they will wake the fuck up and actually DO something about it, no matter how small, and change the mindset that too many have that animals and the abuse of them is a joke. These are living, breathing creatures and it’s sickening the way people in this world treat them. These are not objects. They are not merely tools. They are not something to be tossed aside when you are done or bored with them or find them useless anymore. These are living, breathing creatures.
A lot of people try to say that animals don’t have any emotions or feelings. Of course they do not have the complex emotions or feelings that human beings do but anyone who thinks animals have no emotions and no feelings have never had a pet, have never studied animals, have never had any empathy. I’ve known some of these types of people in my life. On the surface, they appear to be wonderful people. As time goes on, you find out that they are some of the most shallow, insensitive, uncaring, rudest, unempathetic people you will ever know. I have no use for people like this and I let them know it.
Now, then....here are some images that you should find upsetting. If you do not find these photos upsetting, you may need to seek some sort of psychiatric help because there is something very wrong with you. That’s not just my opinion, it’s been proven and I am serious in my urging for you to seek professional help. You need it in a bad way.
I want you to think about your pet as you view these images. Or, if you don’t have a pet, any animal that you have come across in your lifetime that meant anything good to you whether it was a pet you had in the past, a neighbor’s pet, friend’s pet or just some random animal.
China is notorious for caging up dogs like this before they take them to slaughter for food. These dogs could be in these cages, cramped like this, for hours, days, weeks. Some dogs are caged up to be used as live shark bait. The “fishermen” take a gigantic hook, insert it through the snout of the dog, slice its throat so that they bleed and then toss them over the side as bait for shark hunting. And they see absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Let me ask you all a question: Why is it not okay to do this with humans? I don’t mean that in a mean spirited way, I mean, seriously, why is it not okay to do this with humans? Does it have something to do with intelligence, the food chain and things like that? Then what on earth makes people think it’s okay to do this to dogs? Dogs are highly intelligent, have feelings, show loyalty, are pack animals, are higher up the food chain than fish.....so why ok with dogs? Would there be an uproar if some were using humans as shark bait? Of course there would. But the outcry when doing this to dogs is less.....granted, they aren’t humans but they are higher up than fish. So why isn’t there more outrage over this? Maybe its’ because people don’t know it’s going on and what it looks like.
The next time you pet your dog or any dog, remember this:
Does that bother you? Can you imagine it happening to your dog? Think it can’t? Better hope that your dog never gets lost. Not all lost dogs are returned and not all of them die out there from exposure, an accident, starvation or from attack by another animal. Some people in this world seek out lost and stray dogs for this very purpose. I hope that you are appalled enough to do something about it, no matter how small it is, do something because this is not right.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Fantastic
Recently, I was whining about my wisdom tooth coming in. I had stated that for the past 6 or 7 years, about once a year or so I would feel something going on. I stated that in my 20s, my dentist took x-rays and told me I had no wisdom teeth in my bottom row and that the top row was still so far up that they would check them again in about 5 years.
Sigh.
It’s time. One of them is in. The one that has been causing annual pain for so long...it’s finally in and it’s causing more pain. And that means I’ll probably have to go to the dentist and get it taken out. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to the dentist? Have I mentioned how much I hate needles? Have I mentioned how much I hate pain? Have I mentioned that these three things make me act like a big baby?
And have I mentioned that I find this highly annoying to be happening to me at this stage of my life? According to the American Association of Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeons,
Wisdom teeth, also known as third molars, are the last teeth to erupt in your mouth. This generally occurs between the ages of 17 and 25, a time of life that has been called the “Age of Wisdom."
I’m well passed that number. Well passed. (The first one of youse to make a joke about wisdom and my youth, gets banned.) I’m not supposed to be worrying about things that happen to children, I’m supposed to be worried about keeping my teeth.
Most wisdom tooth extractions are performed in the oral and maxillofacial surgery office under local anesthesia, intravenous sedation or general anesthesia. Your oral and maxillofacial surgeon will discuss the anesthetic option that is right for you.
Following surgery, you may experience some swelling and mild discomfort, which are part of the normal healing process. Cold compresses may help decrease the swelling, and medication prescribed by your Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon can help manage the discomfort. You may be instructed to modify your diet following surgery and later progress to more normal foods.
Oh goody, I can hardly wait. I’ll be stabbed with needles, get sick from anesthesia, (does anyone remember my broken ankle surgery back in 2004?), be in horrifying pain, (literal translation of “mild discomfort") and I get to starve. Well sign me up!
This was supposed to be performed when I was younger...when one can’t remember anything that happened in their early years.
Well, I guess I better get this done before St. Hope and Change takes over our health care system. The whole thing is going to be bad enough as it is.
