Wednesday, March 10, 2010
You Asked For It
I gotta tell ya, kids, reading the comments from the last post has made me realize, some of you don’t take me seriously. This story makes peopleofwalmart.com, for example, pale in comparison. And yes, I’ve, too, been in the military and heard some disturbing things but this, for me, is worse than anything I’ve ever heard the guys talk about. But, since you all think you can take it, here we go:
First, a little background. I believe I’ve mentioned this character a time or two on this site. I have a co-worker who lives in my neighborhood and unfortunately, that means I get to know more about my co-worker’s life than I care to know. I call him Paris because he is always vying for attention even if it means making himself look stupid. And I mean, STOO! PID! When he tells his stories, he thinks everyone is laughing with him but no, we are all laughing AT him. Idiot.
Anyhoo....as I was thinking about writing this little story, I thought of another story of another neighbor and thought maybe I should start off with that one. You know, kind of ease you in to the filth that lives around me. But no, I think I’ll go right for the throat and deliver the second story as a kicker. You know, while you’re down?
Last week, PH, (Paris, remember?), was in his house with his son and his son’s girlfriend. They all live there and you can always hear them blabbering, getting drunk, cranking the shit music too high, you know, typical crap neighbor stuff. I always thought PH was just a piece of shit, lonely, lacking self esteem and really stupid but I was wrong. He’s worse than that.
See, at about 8pm last week, he came flying out of his door, out of his yard and in to the street, yelling and screaming about something. Naturally, the neighborhood was interested, (or, in some cases, had no choice but to hear), in what was going on. Slowly, heads poked out of doorways, people wandered in to their yards to watch the latest spectacle. Oh the fit PH was throwing. A temper tantrum of incredible magnitude.
He stomped back and forth, practically frothing at the mouth, arms gesturing wildly, beady little eyes growing smaller, face getting darker and darker red, it was something to behold. Everyone wanted to know what was going on. Why was PH so mad! What could they do to help or maybe calm him down?
And then, PH said something that made us all realize, there wasn’t a thing we could do. Hell, there wasn’t a thing we wanted to do. In fact, after PH revealed the problem, at the top of his lungs for several blocks to hear, everyone went back inside and tried to pretend they didn’t hear what they just heard. Or in some cases, some people giggled about it for hours afterwards. (No, not me. I was hovering over the toilet waiting for the puke to rise.)
You see, kids, what upset PH so much was something that had happened inside the home. Apparently, and I don’t know how, nor, frankly, do I WANT to know how, PH caught his son with something PH owns and PH was mighty upset about finding it. How he found it, again, I just really do not want to know. But when the item was discovered on the person of his son, PH decided to fly out of his home, through his yard and into the street to bellow, at the top of his lungs for all the neighborhood to hear....
PH: “Get my buttplug out of your ass! That is my buttplug! I cannot believe you are using my buttplug! Gottdamnit, why are you using my buttplug!?!?”
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Yes. Apparently, at some point, the son found a butt plug sitting around in the house. Obviously he didn’t buy it. His girlfriend didn’t buy it. But he decided to go ahead and insert it in to his ass anyway. And, apparently, at some point, his father, PH, was staring at his son’s butt and noticed his buttplug in his son’s ass. And then proceeded to inform the entire neighborhood about it.
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Right. Shall we go on to the next bit now?
The neighbor who lives right next door to me has a little history of his own antics out here. Thankfully, what happened did not happen while I was here, living next door to him. DrunkFuck, we shall call him. Apparently, some time back, DF was also a crack addict. For all I know, he still is. I just see him drunk. All the time. And he’s one of those drunks who never shuts the fuck up and thinks he’s the authority on everything in the world. I try to avoid him at all costs and only talk to him if absolutely necessary. Like, when the stupid fuck puts his BBQ grill right under my bedroom window so that when he BBQs, my house fills up with smoke and carbon monoxide while I and the cats choke. After two times of this, I had to confront DF.
Anyway, so, he’s in his house one day, drunk, coked out, all kinds of messed up. (Such winners in this neighborhood.) As the legend goes, at some point in time he got in a fight with his old lady. (Different person than who he is with today.) I don’t know what the fight was about or what started it and I don’t care. I do know that alcohol + drugs + two idiots = fight. So they were arguing, loudly, and getting in to it physically. I mean, physically hurting each other. Somehow, DF ended up in just his underwear. Again, I wasn’t here, I don’t know, I don’t care. However, during the altercation with the old lady, she somehow managed to pull his underwear off of him and fling it out the door.
It smacked the window of the neigbhor’s house and stuck there for a minute before sliding down the side. The neighbor was inside their home, minding their own business when they heard something slap the window they were sitting next to. They opened the blinds and were greeted by a pair of underwear filled with human shit stuck to their house. They then, in horror, watched the underwear slide down the house leaving a trail of residue behind.
Now. Kids. Are you getting the full picture? Are you now understanding how serious this is? Will you start taking me seriously in what I say from here on out? When I say something, it’s because I fucking mean it. It’s not because I can’t handle something small or the things that bother me are petty. It’s because I fucking mean it.
Are we all on the same page now?
I hope so. Don’t make me pull out more of these stories because I do have more.
While it may be intended or not, there are times when I feel patronized by some of the things some people say to me in comments and it bothers me. I decided that maybe I have not made myself clear for everyone and that I wasn’t illustrating it fully so that you all could/would understand. I hope this clears any of that business up and that, in the future, you might all give me the benefit of the doubt when I say something is wrong, something is off, something is bad, something isn’t right, something bothers me, etc.
These are my neighbors. When I say my neighbors suck and I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here, I mean it. Do you understand now?
Monday, March 08, 2010
Where's The Hidden Camera?
Kids....sigh....this has to be a joke. Seriously, this is like Candid Camera or some practical joke show and you’re all in on it....aren’t you!?
I have a story to share that would fully explain my neighbors but I’m just not sure how much “disgusting” you can handle. What is your tolerance level, kids? And I mean, gross, disgusting, I really did not need to know that, someone please erase my memory sort of story.
I have to share it with someone. I cannot go through life with this information kept to myself. But, I just don’t know what you all can take. I know I can barely take it...hell, no, I can’t take it and this only drives me on towards getting the fuck out of here.
Nonetheless, I’ll share it only if you all can take it. If I were Acidman, I’d just throw it out there and you would all have to suck it up and quit your sniveling about it but I’m not Acidman...I’m asking before I scrape your braincells from your head.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Continued
I was leaving a comment, replying to those of you who have written something but it got so long, I decided to just make it a new entry.
Boy I tell you, it’s amazing what a few words can do for a person. What I really wanted to do is just not going to happen and as I realize this, yes, I harbor some resentment. Resentment, anger and sorrow. Fucking assholes...what was their gottdamned problem?
But, after reading the comments, I’ve made a slight change in how I do things. It’s going to be hard for me but it’s a first step in many of the small steps I’ll have to take to accomplish what I wish to accomplish.
May sound silly to all of you but for me, it’s pretty big. See, I don’t like to owe money. I don’t like the feeling of knowing that someone can take something away from me if I don’t outright own it. And many times in this life I have not done the, “Pay yourself first” business when I’ve been paid but have paid everyone else, leaving me with little.
What has happened as a result is that when shit hits the fan, because I’ve paid everyone else and not myself, I’ve had nothing to fall back on. Granted, I’ve never been wealthy or anywhere near that playing field...hell, I haven’t even been in the stands as a spectator, and as I wrote, (actually, added to a list that I copied and pasted about what it is to be poor), there is no room for error when you don’t have money. There just isn’t. Everything is hard when you are poor. EVERYthing. And it’s downright exhausting.
Last night, I decided to count up all of my tips and the four checks I haven’t cashed yet as well as what I have in my bank account. It’s not a whole lot but it was enough for me to pay off my car, pay my insurance for the year and pay an extra amount on something else; something I’ve been working on to ensure that I’ll have a damn roof over my head always.
And I was very, very, very tempted to do it. Just plunk it all down and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. Just my measly little satellite bills each month. What a great way to live!
Except...what if something happens? Or, what if I saved that money and put it towards getting THE HELL OUT OF HERE!?!?!
I was actually unsure what I wanted to do but I held off for the time being while I tried to make up my mind. Like I said, I hate, hate, hate owing money.
Then I come here and see these comments and while they are all rather encouraging, (God how nice that is to hear), I think it was physics geek’s comment that did it. Something about “something came along out of the blue and I ran screaming out the door” hit the right nerve.
I will indeed run screaming out the door when I leave here and I will be so fucking happy when I do, (provided I do it on MY terms and on MY initiation), but the only way I’m going to get there is to have some money to do it.
This isn’t the best time to be looking for something else but I can save up a big, fat chunk of change in the meantime and what I have now is one hell of a good start.
So, while normally it’s better to pay off your bills ahead of time, I think, in this situation, it’s worth it to continue to make the payments I have been making, (still giving them more than the minimum each month to apply it to that principle), and save the rest.
Because if there is one thing I’ve learned in this life, when you are ok financially, you have so many more options than you do when you are not ok financially. And one of those options is to tell them where to shove it. Knowing that I’ll have the money to leave when I’m ready will make things easier at work, as well. I won’t be so worried about getting canned or let go. I won’t have to worry about being homeless or starving again like I have gone through before in my early 20s.
That is something I never, ever wish to go through again. Which, coincidentally did teach me that of course I can make it through anything..I made it out of that shit from sheer will and determination and would not throw in the towel and cry about it. It sucked total ass but I worked hard to get out of it. Some of you know the story but I’m just going to do a quick recap for those who don’t.
I was in college. I had my GI Bill, Pell Grant and a little bit of money saved up to get me through it. (Money I had saved from serving in the military.) I lived in an apartment with a roommate. I did not have a car. I did not have cable television. We shared a house phone that was just a house phone and had none of the extras. We ate cheaply. My money went to rent, electricity, bus fare, food and school supplies. I was full on college mode because I wanted to do well.
My roommate and I got along. Unfortunately, she had some issue with a boyfriend and was advised by her psychiatrist to move away from him, (he lived near us), and perhaps go back home with her parents because I guess the relationship wasn’t healthy. Well, she did just that. The problem is, she left me with two days’ notice...meaning, two days before rent and all the bills were due. I could come up with my half but I sure as hell couldn’t come up with her half. I just didn’t have the money to do it. I had planned everything out according to having a roommate. And two days’ notice is not enough time to find a solution.
I ended up homeless.
But I still went to school.
After school I would knock on every business door in downtown Seattle and ask for a job. Every fucking one of them whether I was qualified or not. Very few places would even let me fill out an application. They just weren’t hiring.
I also went to every damn apartment building I could to try to find a place to live that I could afford.
After a few hours of doing that every day, I would then try to get my homework done before getting a few hours of sleep and starting all over again the next day. For three weeks I did this. Finally, the pieces started to fall in to place. Yes, of course, a couple of people helped me along the way but that was because they saw how damn hard I was working at it. They knew I wasn’t just sitting in a corner whining about my situation, they knew I was busting my ass to resolve the situation.
A very, very kind apartment manager helped me out by giving me “half off” my first month’s rent because it was a “summer special”. There was no fucking summer special. He just paid the other half of the rent for me. And he didn’t make me pay last or deposit. He trusted me.
And that was all I fucking needed. A break. Someone to believe in me.
Let me tell you what kind of shits the adoptives were in this situation: When I told them of the roommate leaving with only two days’ notice and asked for $500 to cover the rent and the electric, they refused. According to them, the entire situation was my fault. I chose that roommate, it was my fault. I didn’t have money saved up, it was my fault. Nevermind that the money I had saved up went right in to school, tuition, books, bus fare, registration, labs, etc, I was “irresponsible” and they considered me a fuck up. I had just served three years in the military but I’m a fuck up. Nice. I told them I was about to be homeless. They didn’t care.
Some years later, the maternal unit told me that she had been feeling guilty about that all these years. I told her to forget about it because I realized that I could make it through anything. I made it through that, for crying out loud. Oh how she thanked me. What I wanted to tell her was that her guilt didn’t fucking do me any good and that I now knew I could not rely on them to have my back for anything. If your own family won’t support you, who would, I thought, at the time.
But she was absolved of her guilt because I told her to forget about it, I realized how strong I am. Goody gumdrops for her. Whatever makes her happy. But it’s not something I’ll ever forget.
Anyway, yes, I made it through that but you know what? That fear of repeating it stays with you. You are always afraid that someone, somewhere is going to fuck things up for you and you will end up there again. It’s not a nice way to live. It’s even worse knowing you can’t ever go home again. Not that I would want to but to even know that you could has to help a little bit.
So, as long as I’m here, I’m just going to save. I’ve been overpaying on my car payments for some time but I think I’m going to slow down on that, not make quadruple payments every month like I have been and just save it. I may still owe on my car but I’ll have a savings building up so that no matter what happens, I should be ok. And it will take away some of that fear, when I have enough to live for a good year without work, (that’s the goal), and have an idea of where I’m going next and what I’m going to do.
But just getting the financial part in my favor is a big step. And then? Then I’ll start finding my way around this life again.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have the money to open my own animal sanctuary. It takes a LOT of money to get them up and running and keep them going. And since they are non profit, you rely on the public and grants to help you along. Many have tried, many have failed. This is why I want to learn as much as I can about every little thing so that if I ever do get the opportunity, I can fix it my damn self and not have to rely on others to help me because, see, the lesson I’ve learned in this life is that while I can count on a few people here and there along the way, most people, as you all said, SUCK and you just can’t rely on them for anything.
But, that is my dream. A big piece of land, far away from assholes, where I am saving animals, making a difference and helping. I like animals more than I do people. I really don’t care who says that’s the wrong thing to say, it’s true. Animals don’t lie. They are very honest. All you need to know is how they operate. You could say the same thing for humans but humans are far too complex, phony and deceitful for me to ever figure out, in the general sense.
If I had an animal sanctuary, I think I would be a little lonely but I would also be too busy making a difference and be too happy with the beings I work with every day. And if I don’t like someone’s bullshit attitude? Guess what? BYE!
Now, I know some of you might say that I don’t need to know everything, I can hire people to know those things or recruit volunteers to know those things but at the same time that I realize what makes a good leader is one who listens to those who are in the trenches and takes all of their suggestions in to consideration, a good leader also has to have some idea about the topic at hand.
As an example: I don’t need to know how to build an airboat from scratch but it would be helpful if I knew the names of the parts, basically how they work, why there are there and simple fixes. It’s no less than when you own a car. You should know the basics so that you can do for yourself before taking it to a mechanic to get ripped off. You don’t have to know, completely, how to fix it but you should know the basics and have a general idea of what is going on when they say, “Your control arms and tie rods are broken.” The last thing you want to do is tilt your head to the side and say, “HUH?”
I want to know what the control arms and tie rods are, how they function and what they mean to the car. I can have someone else fix them, but I want to know why the hell they are fixing them and know that they actually need to be fixed.
Do you get what I’m saying?
Now, it’s going to be stressful for awhile because it’s not like I’m going to be able to pick up and leave tomorrow. This may take awhile. And it’s going to suck every damn day. And I may not be going straight to an animal sanctuary of my own right after that. The first step is to get what I can while I’m here and then plan the next step. Then the next one and the next one and the next one.
And yes, I’m going to be resentful for some time. I am not stupid, I know life isn’t easy and I know there are no guarantees, but I do know, that a little boost so many years ago would have made this far, far less exhausting, physically and mentally and I wouldn’t have to live in perpetual fear of amounting to nothing.
It’s sad, really because there is so much I want to do. But I know I’m in this, basically, on my own so I’m going to have to pick one that I can still do regardless of the fact that I’m older now. Age does indeed close many doors and eventually, I’ll accept that and move on.
Right now though, I just want to be pissed.
I’ll get over it...just let me be pissed for awhile.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
It's One Or The Other
Ok, kids...go easy on me here, I’m just trying to flesh out what it is that is bothering me these days. I have just woken up, (my day off), and usually that is when I think most clearly and I think it’s one of two things going on.
Either I’m going through a mid-life crisis or, in all sincerity, my job is reminding me of everything I have hated and worked against in my life. Or maybe it’s both. What I do know is that it’s really starting to eat at me...I guess it could be depression, I am really not sure.
For example, just before I woke up, I was dreaming about myself being much younger. And as silly as this sounds, I was wearing a pair of dark, burgundy jeans that I used to own. I loved these pants. (Stick with me here, kids.) In the dream I was wearing those pants, rolled up at the hem because as with most pants, they were too long. I had on a black sweater and a black leather jacket, just like I always used to wear. I don’t recall what the hell I was doing in the dream but I remember as I was waking up, I thought, “What the hell happened to those pants? Where did they go? When did I get rid of them? I don’t remember shit.”
Symbolism, kids, in case you didn’t catch on. I’m sure you did, you are all pretty damn intelligent but I’m saying it anyway because I’m just kind of understanding some of this as I’m writing this.
Anyway, I woke up feeling...bleh. Like something was missing. And then it all kind of hit me. What the hell happened? This is not the course I set out for myself. And this is not the person I thought I would become.
You know, I sit here, often, and think that all I want to do is save up as much money as possible so that I can go buy some land somewhere, far away from people and just be left the fuck alone. And you know what? As much as I want that, as much as imagining it makes me happy, it also makes me incredibly sad. That is not the person I once was. What I used to be was the type of person who could not wait to get out there, meet as many people as possible, see as many things as I could, go as far as I could, explore the ends of the earth. I was full of adventure, would try many things, especially with higher risks, and basically embraced the world.
Now? Now all I want to do is hide from the world because the world actually pisses me off. A lot. Whereas I use to think, “Man, I can’t wait to go here, here and here and meet all those people”, all I can think now is, “You couldn’t pay me enough to visit your country because you are all fucking idiots!” I guess the travelers from those countries haven’t been the greatest ambassadors.
Nonetheless, there’s a feeling of something dying. Like...maybe my hope? Maybe my sense of adventure? Maybe the zest for life I once had? I’m not sure what it is but again, each time I think how great it would be to get the fuck away from people and not have to deal with them on a daily basis, it makes me feel tremendous loss and I’m not sure really how I would react after about a month of living that way. Is that really what I want?
Basically, I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore and what I want. I’ve always known who I was and what I wanted. I have no idea how to handle not knowing.
There is also the possibility that what is causing this is where I work. My co-workers are either dumber than a box of wet Depends or they are abusive. Verbally abusive, that is. I really have low tolerance for abusive people and I really do not wish to spend my time around abusive people. I’ve done enough, more than my share, in this lifetime. The sperm donor was physically abusive to the point that he was thrown in jail and I was adopted out. Lots of scars there, kids. Physical and emotional. Lots of work getting past that. A LOT of work getting past that. (And no, it doesn’t just magically disappear when you become an adult, you still have to work through that shit.)
And frankly, the adoptive units weren’t much better.
My abusive co-workers remind me of both of them; both sets that is. They care only about themselves, they do not want to see you succeed, they do not care what their actions do to you, if they feel shitty, they want to ensure that you feel shitty, they manipulate, back stab, gossip and do everything in their power to get people fired. Even their own friends! They bring in “friends” and then turn around and start talking shit about them to get them fired. WTF?!?!!?!
The boss....everyone here is a “fucking idiot”. If you do anything, make a mistake, you are a “fucking idiot”. And that is everyone here. Not one person here is immune to it no matter how far their tongue is up the boss’ ass. I’ve heard, several times in the almost three years I’ve been here, him calling people “fucking idiots” when they call in on the radio with a problem.
There you are, driving the boat, something mechanical happens while you’re out. You call in on the radio for assistance. Immediately the boss wants to know what that “fucking idiot” has done this time. Or sometimes we get stuck. We turn wrong, or the boat just plain ass doesn’t fucking turn, the wind pushes us up in to the grass, something. We are now stuck and need assistance. Jesus, you should hear this guy when that happens.
“Doesn’t that fucking idiot know how to drive an airboat?”
This past week has been very windy. VERY windy. Docking is a bitch in the wind. Every. single. person. has needed help at the dock. Every last one of them. Even the ones who claim that they have driven airboats their entire lives, have needed help. And every last one of them has completely and totally fucked up their docking in the wind. But the boss only gets upset with some of the people.
I had a boat last week and was coming in and has just about docked it perfectly despite the wind when a gust came up and fucked that all up for me. The boss was on the dock loading boats as they came in because there was a long line of people waiting. The right, front corner of my boat got caught up on the dock. If I had just a few more inches, maybe only 5 inches, I would have cleared it but again, the wind gusted right at the most inopportune time and I didn’t complete the turn.
But do I get understanding?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
No, what I get is a deep scowl and disgust from the boss. See, I’m just a fucking idiot who cannot drive an airboat.
All of this reminds me of life growing up. There was no room for error. You had to be perfect. You may think I’m being facetious but I’m really not. You HAD to be perfect. And to ensure perfection, there was a gottdamned rule for every little thing you did. From the time I woke up in the morning to the time I went to bed at night, there was a rule. Every action had a rule. And it was stringent, there was no room for artistic license, you would do it this way, every single day, day in, day out or you would pay for it.
And I mean every. little. thing you can think of.
Because you had to be perfect, the house had to be perfect, you had to look perfect and the only way to achieve that perfection is to follow a set of rules stricter than the Chinese government. At times, friends would come over and feel extremely uncomfortable in my house because of these rules. They also realized that the place didn’t look lived in at all. It was too clean, too shiny and there was nothing welcoming about it. Every room looked like a show room. And you damn well better keep it that way, right down to the glare of the freshly waxed floors.
If you made a mistake? It was enormous. There were no small mistakes. Every thing was blown out of proportion. You obviously were not trying very hard, you were being lazy and you were acting stupid. For that you must pay.
And I think about that every time my boss calls us “fucking idiots” for simple mistakes. There is no room for error at work. We must be perfect.
So, you throw all of this together and I’m completely lost. I do not appreciate being treated this way, I don’t tolerate the abuse and I did not work this fucking hard just to come right back to this sort of environment. But how the fuck do I get out of this? Can I actually hold on long enough to save up that money to get the fuck out? How much more of this shit can I take? And just how many more times will people try to sabotage my efforts TO get out of here? (Yes, sabotage...you really have no idea.)
I don’t like feeling like I’m fighting for my very own existence every single day. I’ve already been homeless once, I’ve already literally starved before, I do not want to go through that again. I cannot just tell them to fuck off and leave out of here. To do that would be to fuck myself over.
There is no encouragement here. There was no encouragement growing up. I always remember this during Olympic season. I enjoy watching the games but sometimes I think I shouldn’t watch them because of what they stir up.
I often wonder, while watching, just how far I could have gotten in this life with a little support. I didn’t ask for much. I asked for very little. And even those requests were not fitting with the regime so the answer was always, “no”. There was so much I wanted to do, learn and take part of when I was younger. These things were fun for me but the skills I would have gained, the lessons I would have learned, the confidence I would have gained, the leadership skills I would have been taught, the life lessons that I would have developed....all were denied because, you see, there is no future in those things.
I wanted to act, sing, play piano, take more computer courses, (yes, even that long ago, they were there for kids), ski, do gymnastics, be on the swim team, track, tap...the list was endless. And while I understand those things take money, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was, “You are not allowed to have fun, therefore, no.” I got to do some of those things on a small scale but I thirsted for more and was always told, “no”.
What the fuck kind of parent tells their kid, “NO” when they are aching to learn things? I was a very, very bored child. I lost myself in books. That was encouraged, thankfully, and that’s pretty much how I spent my years as a kid. When I was home, I’d read a book. What else was there for me to do? I wasn’t allowed to fucking go anywhere or learn anything or gain a new skill. I wasn’t allowed to explore and discover new talents.
No, maybe I wouldn’t have ever been a professional skiier, or gymnast or ice skater. Maybe I would have never been a professional singer, only maybe being a back up. But why the fuck would you deny someone the opportunity?
Because a) “things like that never happen to people like us” in other words, don’t even bother trying or b) you are too stupid.
And here we have come, full circle. I have been begging to learn the ins and outs of the mechanics of the airboat. Just as I was taught in the military how to fix my own car, I should know how to fix a small, minor problem on a boat. But we can’t have that because “you would all fuck it up”. Only certain people are allowed to learn certain things at work and most of us are not allowed to learn shit.
I want to learn how to change the oil.
No.
I want to learn what this part is, that part is, how to fix these things when they go wrong; ie, how to change a starter.
No.
I want to learn how to find the fuse that gets blown at times on rides.
No.
I want to learn how to fix it should the rudder stick break on tour. (And this HAS happened to people.)
No.
I want to learn how to fix this, that and the other.
No.
And it brings me right back to how I felt as a kid and always being told, “No.”
Who in their right fucking mind keeps someone from learning something? Especially when that education would only benefit them AND the company or the family? Who the fuck does that?
I am not a fucking idiot. I am smart. I pick things up quickly when I am allowed to learn them. Sometimes how fast I pick things up pisses people off and makes them feel all threatened but that’s not my problem. But I continually get held down.
No. Fucking idiot. You don’t need to learn these things. You have nothing to gain by learning these things.
Stupid girl.
So, you put all of this together and I feel like I’ve done nothing with my life. I feel like I’ve advanced nowhere. I feel like I’ve wasted all of these years because I’m right back in the same damn environment I fought so damn hard to get out of. And it doesn’t matter what the hell I do, doesn’t matter how many times I prove myself, doesn’t matter how many times I prove them wrong, that I am stronger than they think, smarter than they think and more capable than they think and that not every little gottdamned last thing has to be run ONE. CERTAIN. WAY. ONLY!!!!!!!, I am not allowed to grow.
I’m stifled.
And I don’t know how to get out of this right now.....but even bigger, I don’t even know where the fuck I want to go next. I really am not sure who the fuck I am anymore, as I said, and I am sick and fucking tired of people trying to hold me down, to keep me from being what I can be.
I’m sick and tired of the lack of support.
I’m sick and tired of people and their snotty attitudes.
And all of this really bothers me because this is not who I once was but it’s not because I’ve grown. It’s because I’ve been held back for so long by so many that I have noticed my drive, my hope, my desires are pretty much flaming out.
And that really, really bothers me. So much so, that it’s affecting my health. My eating habits have changed drastically, for the worse, I can’t fucking sleep anymore. I’m tossing and turning all night long, waking up at all hours, can’t get to sleep at night no matter how fucking tired I am, wake up too early, can’t get back to sleep, I’m exhausted all the time...I don’t even have the energy to do simple tasks. Even going to the store is something big. I’m fucking mentally exhausted and now I have to go out there and deal with more assholes? How about I just don’t have any food at all. Except I have to take care of the cats.
I have no desire to even go do anything. Part of that is because I’m trying to save up my money but part of it is also, I just don’t have the energy to deal with people. As much as I want to be the tourist for a change, I don’t want to deal with tourists.
And frankly, I’ve pretty much alienated my friends not because of anything they have done or I have done...I just don’t have it in me anymore. I’m that fucking tired. And I really can’t take one more excuse or one more let down. And that is much too demanding on them. It’s not their fault but they are the ones who bear the brunt of it. It’s not fair to them so I don’t even bother.
How fucked up is that?
Fuck, man, I don’t even know what the hell I want to do anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m totally and completely lost.
[Edit] If you read this far, thanks for listening. I don’t expect anyone would have any answers. I don’t really expect much...I just needed to get that out.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Frustrating
Sometimes I feel stifled...even here on this blog. This was supposed to be an outlet for me, to write anything I wanted to write, to say whatever I wanted to say, to vent, tell a story, put my thoughts down, learn and grow from them…
I don’t always want to be the funny one. I don’t always want to point out the insanity of the general public. I don’t always want to speak to the peanut gallery. I don’t always want to talk politics. I don’t always want to have to point out why someone is an idiot or why their actions are stupid. I don’t always want to be a voice of reason.
I do not always say “everything there is to say”. I hear this a lot. “You’ve said everything and better than I could.” No, I seriously doubt that. I think some of you sell yourselves short.
Regardless, sometimes I want to talk about personal shit and I don’t feel like I can do that here. That is not a good feeling. I’m always going to alienate someone or some people because they only want a certain type of blog entry. I’m always going to have those who don’t understand anything and think that when you write about something that bothers you, not venting, writing, not ranting, WRITING, about something that is serious to you that is personal, they view it as whining or that you feel entitled to something or that you have it so good, what the hell are you crying about, why don’t you think about those in this world who don’t even have beds to sleep on!
I understand that you only get to see glimpses of my personality. You don’t get to see the whole thing but I also wish people would stop making generalizations about myself or other bloggers based solely on what they see in the blog. These are not all encompassing pieces. There is much more to us than what you see. And I would love nothing more than to feel free, really, truly free, to write some of those things down. To try to make sense of them. To try to figure out the path to take because of those things.
But I do not feel that freedom here no matter how many times someone says, “Write what you want to write about , we’ll still read!” because it’s not true. In the 7 years I’ve been doing this, I’ve heard that several times as well and you know what? “We’ll always read no matter what you write” is a fucking lie. I have a different crowd depending on what I’m writing about at the time.
If I write politics, I get a different crowd.
If I write animals, I get a different crowd.
If I write about stupid, every day people and situations, I get a different crowd.
If I write something a little personal, I get a different crowd.
It is RARE that one person will stick around for all of those subjects. And I hate to lose readers or gain new ones who expect a certain theme. If I didn’t care about readers, I would be writing in a personal diary that no one would see. Anybody who puts their words out there on the internets obviously cares about other people reading it. Those who say they don’t are liars.
But every time I think of writing something serious, all I can question is: Who am I going to offend today? Who is going to come here and say some nasty little thing without knowing the full story? Who is going to come on here and be a dick when I’m exposing some deep feelings? You may not know this, kids, but I’m actually very sensitive. I know I don’t come across that way on this blog because I’m passionate about morons, passionate in my disgust over them, that is, but some things, you can cut me pretty easily and deeply. I’ve had a fair share of pricks in this lifetime who have done just that, some times they were other bloggers, and I really don’t feel...safe, with those kinds of people out there.
I’m pretty private in real life. I don’t really like to share much with many in my real life. I would usually share with one or two people and that would be it. But sometimes, I just want to write about some of that personal shit because for the most part, I don’t know any of you. You are strangers to me. Sure, you come here and comment and we have a blog/reader/writer friendship that way but you wouldn’t know me if you saw me on the street and vice versa. That makes me feel safe. It’s much easier to talk to strangers.
At the same time, that anonymity gives some people license to act like assholes. Hiding behind a computer screen can make you open up, as I wish to do but it can also bring out the spitfire dick in some people.
And because this is off the cuff, it’s probably coming out wrong and someone, somewhere, is going to get all offended and say, “Well fuck you, too, Serenity. I don’t need to read your shit anymore.” And there’s not a fucking thing I can do about that.
At the same time some readers make me feel stifled, it’s those readers who make me come back here and keep this thing up. I just have to figure out which to care more about right now. I don’t like feeling censored. Yah, a strong word but at times it feels that way. ‘Only talk about this and this and that, nothing else or I’m not coming back!’
“You shouldn’t care about those types of people, Serenity.” Except that’s a large percentage of my readers, as I illustrated earlier.
I am more than just one who vents about stupidity but I don’t feel free to write about it.
That really sucks.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Pop Quiz
It’s quiz time, kids. It appears that I have some pretty intelligent readers so I thought I’d give you a problem and you give me the answer. I’ve decided that maybe I’m just too harsh on some people, my expectations too high. Maybe the answer isn’t as easy as I thought it was. So, if you’ll entertain me here, I’d like you to all picture the following scenario:
You are driving a boat, (without brakes or reverse), down a channel in a southern direction. The wind is blowing hard in a northern direction. The dock is to your left. You must turn the boat a complete 180 to parallel park the boat so that the dock will end up on your right when you are finished and ready to offload. You have minimal room to do this as the channel is not that wide and there are other boats parallel parked to the dock very close to the front and back end of your boat. Because of this, it is a given that you will need assistance at the dock to park.
With me so far?
You are driving south at about 5mph. The wind is blowing north at about 25mph. (At you.) You need to turn your boat 180 degrees so that the dock that is now on your left, will end up on your right. A person is standing on the dock to assist you with your parallel parking because of the strong winds. Here is a stick figure illustration of what I mean:
I’d also like to add that you are sitting on the back of the boat, steering, and the steps for you to get off of the boat are also at the back, right below your seat. You have a rope at the front of the boat and a rope at the back of the boat. You will eventually tie both ends up to posts on the dock to keep the boat secure to the dock. (Use props if you have to, kids.)
Ok, you begin your turn. Keeping in mind that the wind is blowing north and you are changing position from south to north and you want the back end of your boat to hit the dock first so that you can get down and tie your boat, tell me, when the front end of the boat approaches the dock, should the person standing on the dock:
a) grab that front rope and pull the front end of the boat towards the dock
or
b) kick the front end of the boat off the dock
I’m not giving the answer away, kids. I really want to see if I’m just being too hard on people and that this isn’t common sense. Or basic science...or basic math. You don’t have to ever have driven a boat to be able to answer this, is my opinion. If you take a moment and factor in all the information I gave you, you should arrive at the correct answer. Like I said, use props if you have to. Hell, take a pencil and put it in some bathwater and blow on it, if you have to.
I look forward to the answers. And no cheating!
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Where Were You In November?
This time of year is our busy season. We start to build up, slowly, late October, get a big rush between Christmas and New Years, settle down for about a week or two and then we are slammed from mid January to May.
Normally.
And when I say, “slammed”, I mean, we don’t get a break. They toss water bottles at us, sometimes something to eat and we continue, tour after tour after tour after tour until we want to scream.
Last year, around this time, when everyone was hurraying St. Hope and Change’s win, I warned them. I told them, “Better start saving your money now because you won’t see much next year.” And, as with everything, these pot head alcoholic burn outs think they know more than I do. They did not listen. They brushed me off as if I was saying something really stupid. I mean, they were making money, hand over fist, at the time, no need to pay attention to that. The money isn’t going to run out, look at all this money! Pscht. What do you know, Serenity?
Except...hmm.
Where are all the people? Where’s all the money? This is our busy season, is it not? Why are we sitting around like it’s the summer time? Why are you all complaining about how little money you’re making? I thought you all knew better than I did and we would having nothing to worry about. Didn’t you all “pscht” me last year when I predicted this? Do any of you assholes remember anything I said? I’ll remind you:
I said: “You better hold on to what money you are getting now to see you through the next year because we will not be getting a season like this next year with St. Hope and Change now in office and the Dems running the place. I’m serious. Wait until all of those people in the north start getting their heating bills next winter. They will not be coming down here because they won’t be able to afford it. Wait a few months after St. Hope and Change gets his way with this ridiculous trillion dollar spending and people end up without a job at all. Give it a few months, it’ll start. And they won’t be able to afford to come down here. The fucking morons of this country have assured that you and I will NOT have a busy season next year. Watch.”
That’s pretty much verbatim what I said.
And they all ignored me because a) that’s too confusing and too much to think about and/or b) what the hell do I know? I’m just a girl, I don’t know anything.
So, here we are. This year, during our “busy season”, not making half the money we should be making, not taking half the boats we should be taking. And people are starting to get restless. And complain. Loudly. Pissed off they are.
And because it’s necessary, I say, “I told you.” Because while most of the time that is annoying as shit and fucking pisses me off when people say it, this time, these assholes deserve it. “I told you all this last year. I told you all that we wouldn’t be making any money this year because everyone voted for that fucking idiot in to office and you all fucking tools believe the Dems have your best interests at heart. You fucking twits. THAT is why you’re not making any money, idiots! The people cannot afford to come here and spend money on a vacation. I tried to tell you this last year and you all acted like I was stupid. The people aren’t here. They don’t have jobs. They have high heating costs. They have no fucking money. YOU all allowed this to happen. YOU all did this to your fucking selves. NOW you get to see the results of your own actions or inactions. If you voted for St. Hope and Change, it’s your own fucking fault you aren’t making shit this year. If you didn’t vote at all, it’s your own fucking fault that you aren’t making shit this year.
You fucking tools don’t take politics seriously. You roll your eyes at me, you tune me out, you don’t know jack fucking shit about your own country, how it runs, WHO is running it, what their agenda IS and you take something that is precious and spit on it. There are millions of people in this world who would LOVE the opportunity to vote. You have that and you don’t do it. Your inaction IS a vote. You have voted not to take control of your own life, you have voted to let someone else run it for you. Well guess what? This is how they choose to run it. And now you don’t have any fucking money.
That is no one’s fault but your own. Maybe next time there’s an election, you could actually try to care. Even if you don’t care about anyone else in the world but yourself, do it for yourself. If you make that effort and learn and research and pay attention and vote and your guy doesn’t win? THAT IS WHEN YOU GET TO BITCH! But now? Today? No. You have no money because you fucked yourself over. And thanks for fucking me over as well. Assholes.”
I’m a big hit at work.
None of this sinks in. They might think about it for 5 minutes but then they go off, smoke another joint, drink another beer and scream, “PISS!” at the top of their lungs while bitching about who did what around these parts today.
I spent a little money this year...got a new laptop, gun, Kindle. Moved to a new abode. But for the most part, I’ve been saving what I can. Some of my co-workers like to talk about how I “never go anywhere or do anything” but I don’t care what they think or say. They don’t have any money because they spent it all on beer, drugs and partying. I have money saved up because I saw this coming and laid pretty low.
But hey, as long as we all understand that I’M the idiot here.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Do You Need A Map?
Remember GrumpyFuck from yesterday? Well, he got himself in good trouble today, as well.
See, today, we had a very, very rich person come, by helicopter, with his “handlers” as well, to take a private tour. As in, so rich, he is one of the top 10 richest people in this country, rich. That’s not any sort of exaggeration or play on words, he actually IS one of the top 10 richest people in this country. Yes, that rich.
So GrumpyFuck took him and some lady on a private tour. When they got back, Mr. Rich did not tip GrumpyFuck. GrumpyFuck threw a fit. A big, fat, whiny fit. He stomped around, muttered shit under his breath, looked, again, like a fool.
What GrumpyFuck doesn’t understand is that people THAT FUCKING RICH typically don’t handle money. That’s what the “handlers” are for. People that damn rich just spend their money by doing things like taking jet engine helicopter rides over the Everglades and then landing on the “heli-pad” at an airboat place and taking an expensive private tour. They then do other things while there and eventually get back on to the jet engine helicopter and fly off, letting the “handlers” do what they do best. Handle things.
Boss ripped GrumpyFuck a new one today for that little stunt. He explained to him what I just said and told him, AGAIN, that he cannot be throwing tantrums in front of the customers. Especially BILLIONAIRE customers.
Because he threw such a hissy fit, he only got $40.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Way to fuck yourself over, dipshit! That easily should have been a hundred or two hundred dollar boat.
Anyway, I didn’t get to see the screaming...which is probably good because I would have been standing there, beaming and, perhaps laughing. Ok, I would definitely have been laughing. And I probably would have gotten myself in trouble for doing that. But, I did hear about it. And apparently the infamous vein in the boss’ forehead was in full throb so you KNOW GrumpyFuck really, really fucked up today.
Would you like to know how badly he fucked up?
He actually spoke to me after that.
Oh yeah. You know now, for sure, what very little power you have, GrumpyFuck. Karma is a glorious bitch and it’s coming back to bite you in the ASS!
(Like I said, I could tell you all kinds of things but I’m not sure how much you really want to hear. But I did have to share this one because everyone loves it when an asshole gets his.)
Today was a very good day.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Some Peoples Children
At work we have one grouchy, old, moody, bi-polar piece of shit co-worker. He can be fine one minute and someone says the wrong word and he’s in a bitchy little mood, grumpy, growling, being a little fuck. We’ve had our “differences”, to put it mildly. And by “differences” I mean, he hates women so, naturally, he dislikes me greatly. I guess it hurts his miniscule testicles that a female can drive an airboat and do well on tour, sometimes better, than he does.
I’ve been privy to all sorts of names, comments, (usually under his breath), snotty remarks and glares for some time. One day I told him that if he had something to say to me, to man up, grow a pair and say it to my face not under his breath as he’s passing by like a little bitch.
Naturally, he took that well.
So, needless to say, I really can’t stand the old, wrinkled bag.
Then we got a new girl and when we started getting along, he decided that really pissed him off. He started doing everything to her that he had done to me. All of a sudden, for no reason whatsoever, he decided I was ok. He joked around with me, spoke to me decently, wasn’t a complete prick towards me. But he was with the new girl and I don’t forget things easily, nor do I trust the piece of shit.
Today, he decided that I had done something to piss him off, (it didn’t affect him AT. ALL!), so he took it upon himself to come down to the boat I was loading and throw a fit and cuss in front of the people on my boat.
That was the last straw.
I hate to do this but I went and told the boss what had happened. The boss had a talk with him and told him it was unprofessional, makes us look bad and was unacceptable.
Well, guess what. I’m back on GrumpyFuck’s shit list again and he’s currently trying to recruit some of my fellow co-workers to his “side”. :::serious eye roll::: Are you getting it when I say I work with fucking idiots? This 50 something year old twit threw a tempter tantrum in front of the customers over something that did not even affect him NOR was it even a big deal. Like, stupid.
Gah, it’s so stupid I don’t even want to type it but to get you to fully understand what we are working with here, I guess I will.
Most of us are assigned boats. We drive the same boats every day. The rest of them, including GrumpyFuck, do not have an assigned boat because they came after us. Anyway, today, I was up next, got the count and started calling people to the dock to load on my boat.
Except...where did my boat go? It’s not where I left it.
I continue down the dock, looking for my boat. I cannot find it and I’ve got all of these people following me. Finally I see my boat next to the repair shed. WTF is my boat doing there? I call on the radio to ask about that. No one responds.
Fuck it, I’m taking the first boat I see because all of the other boats are claimed. It just so happens to be the boat that GrumpyFuck was going to drive that day. Well, there’s two more people going before he goes and this is the only fucking boat available, I’m taking it. It’s not HIS gottdamned boat anyway, it was purchased and is maintained by the boss. And the boss doesn’t give a flying shit what boat you take, just take the damn tourists on their fucking tour.
So, I start to load this boat. Now someone wants to respond to me that my boat is being fixed so I should take another boat and specify which one they think I should take. (This is not the boss, mind you.) I respond that it’s too late now, I have already started loading because here’s the thing: My boss? Does not care about this petty bullshit. All he cares about is that the people come in, pay, get on the boat, go on the tour, come back, buy more shit. That’s it. And frankly, that’s all I care about either. I don’t give a fuck what some wind bag thinks of me or some pot head or alcoholic piece of crap. What I care about is what the boss thinks and said boss keeping me employed.
But I also do not like drama. Unnecessary bullshit, petty drama.
So here comes GrumpyFuck, stomping down the dock towards the boat. I ask him, because I know what’s coming, if he would like to listen to what is going on or would he rather just be mad. He growls, “Like I’ve got nothing fucking better to do all day than clean fucking boats”. See, in the morning, we come in, we clean the boats we will be using that day. Pick up the trash, wipe the seats down, that sort of thing.
Because I took “his” boat, that would mean he would have to take another boat, (claiming he had to clean it which he fucking did not because it had already been cleaned by the person who was going to drive it that day but ended up instead working on my boat).
Why didn’t I just take that other boat instead? Because I had already marched these people down one dock and down a second while looking for my own fucking boat that not one damn person had bothered to tell me they were working on. And instead of walking them all the way back through a crowd of other people getting on and off boats, I just took the first available boat that I knew was not being used right then.
NOT a big fucking deal.
GrumpyFuck then repeats himself but this time much louder ensuring that those on my boat can hear him. He’s trying to make a statement and he’s trying to make me look bad in front of the people on my boat. And, ultimately, he’s trying to screw me on tips.
“Like I have NOTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO THAN CLEAN FUCKING BOATS!” he bellows.
In the end, he never even took a boat.
Let’s summarize here:
My boat was missing.
I took what boat I could.
GrumpyFuck throws a fit and curses in front of my customers, twice.
He had no need to clean any other boat because all of the boats were already clean.
He never even took a fucking boat and, therefore, did not miss out on his own, precious, unassigned boat for any tour at all.
In other words, he was in no way inconvenienced at all. It did not affect him at all. He threw a fucking hissy fit for no damn reason and ended up making himself look like a fool. And the boss, whose ass GrumpyFuck kisses non stop, told him that this time, GrumpyFuck was wrong. The boss also told me, “He’s an obstinate old man, he has issues...” when the boss was telling me that the situation had been taken care of.
But I’m the one on the shit list. Course, that shit list is one or two people, (because the rest of us are tired of his shit), but they are such fucking assholes that it makes work sometimes annoying. Because he will be a colossal prick at work, on tour and will do everything he can to try to make me look like shit in front of the customers. Because he’s a fucking four year old.
I have a headache so I’m going to take a nap now. But do you see what I mean when I say I work with fucking idiots?
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Even More Simple
We discussed what makes me very happy in the post from yesterday. However, would you like to know what makes me even happier than that?
When it happens a second day in a row!
Haha.
Hahahahahaha!
MUUHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!
I wonder if my co-workers had any time to dry their clothes out from yesterday before getting DRENCHED again today! :::hysterical laughing break:::
“Serenity, why do you want your co-workers to suffer like that?”
Because they’re idiots! And the more miserable those idiots are, the funnier I think it is.
While it was pouring rain earlier today, I laid down on my bed and pictured this scenario:
Tourists out on an airboat, going 30mph when suddenly, the skies splits open and rain like water rushing from a thousand water falls beats down on them. They scream, they look around, left to right, right to left and then up to the captain of the airboat. ‘Why is he still driving! It’s raining!’ Because you bought tickets, morons! They grab life jackets to hold over their heads, as if that actually works, goosebumps pop out all over their arms and legs because once again, they did not dress appropriately for the weather, their hair mats down to the sides of their faces and they sputter as water rolls down from their head and in to their eyes and mouth.
The tour guide semi enjoys this display but also hates the fact that he, too, is now sopping wet because of these assholes. He decides to go around one more time just to drive home a point. He eventually finds his way back to the dock where the tourists scramble off the airboat before it is even completely tied to the dock. Some slip and fall on their ass in the mud and the tour guide tells them, “I hope you break your leg!” They flee, in terror of this thing called ‘rain’ and seek shelter underneath a giant Banyan tree. After about a minute, they run to the store to buy towels, shirts and sweatshirts.
The business makes money off of the stupidity of tourists.
The tour guides? Not so much. Which is why the tour guide took them around one more time out in the monsoon. He has to get his revenge somehow and back at the dock is too late. He’s wet and cold but since none of these pieces of shit tipped him, it was worth it. But damnit all, why did it have to rain while I was working, he thinks. Some people are at home, lying in their beds, reading or sleeping. It’s just not fair.
Somewhere, not too far away, is Serenity, lying in her bed, imagining all of this and giggling her ever loving ass off.
The End.
I think I’ll go watch the traffic report now to watch all those people trying to get home in this weather.
“Oh, would you look at that? I think I can see that driver banging on their steering wheel in a fit of road rage. What’s that Mr. Driver? You just want to get home? Guess what? I’m already home! Where it’s dry, comfortable and I’m doing whatever I want and no tool shed is in a car in front of me keeping me from that. Sucks to be you!”
I’ve been giggling like a loon all day.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Simple Things
Who says you need to spend a lot of money to have a good time?
Do you know what makes me extremely happy? Brings me great joy? When tourists come out to take an air boat ride and get absolutely drenched because it begins raining, hard, while they are on tour. Especially when the weather forecast called for rain all day long. If they are too stupid to check the weather report before they come out, I will laugh, hysterically, at them.
And do you know what else brings me immense happiness?
Knowing that my co-workers are out there, as well, being slammed by the rain, sopping wet and not getting tips because the tourists blame us tour guides for the weather.
This joy is heightened when it’s my day off and I’m sitting at home, warm, comfortable and dry.
Much like I am right now.
Listening to the rain pouring against my roof and windows.
Aaaaah.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Punxatawney Eats Those Assholes
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love animals. In fact, I think I’ve made it pretty damn clear here on this blog. You know I’m against animal abuse and neglect. I am also for animal welfare in that I want animals to be treated humanely and their deaths to be quick and as painless as possible if they are to be eaten. And again, I have no problems with eating animals because I eat animals.
Nonetheless, PETA, the so called “animal rights” group, makes me roll my eyeballs clear out of their sockets with their complete idiocy. Have you heard their latest?
When Idiots Breed, You Get PETA Members.
They want to replace Punxatawney Phil…
...the groundhog who is taken out on February 2nd, Groundhog’s Day, to let us know if there will or will not be six more weeks of winter, (a cute little tradition), with a robot.
Excuse me, I need to go collect my eyeballs that rolled out on to the floor and put some ice on my head where I smacked it.
........
How fucking ridiculous can this group be? They claim that little Phil is abused by the crowds and the noise. Are they shitting me? Abused?
”...Mr Deeley told the Associated Press that Phil is kept in a climate-controlled environment, is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture and is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania”.
For fuck’s sake, I guess we better shut down all the zoos and aquariums while we’re at it. All those crowds. All that noise. Those poor, abused animals.
Hey, let’s shut down airboat places as well. It is completely pointless to try to educate people about animals so that they’ll have more respect for them and treat them better, NO! It’s much better that we shut everything down that draws people in because the animals are being abused by all that noise!
Shut the fuck up.
I get “abused” by all the noise and naked, “I won’t wear fur” protester crowds that PETA creates...let’s replace them with robots!
Have these assholes ever been out in the wild? Do they have any fucking idea just how noisy animals are? And how many of them there are out there? Let’s replace all the wildlife with robots to cut down the crowds and noise from other animals! All that abuse! Animals abusing animals! The horror!!!!
PETA is one of the worst killers and abusers of animals out there. Perhaps they should concentrate a little harder on the shit they pull before they start telling everyone else how to run their lives and do things. Fucking morons.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
You've Been Had
Ever since we had really cold weather here in Miami...unprecedented temperatures, (which, coincidentally, killed a lot of fish, iguana and other creatures because it was so cold for so long), I’ve been glued to the Weather Channel.
It made me feel better to watch others suffer through the bitter cold as well. Snow storms in places that don’t typically get snow storms. Massive ice storms everywhere...even in Texas, for crying out loud.
I wonder if this is that global warming that the Goracle was talking about and St. Hope and Change went to Copenhagen to discuss and then promise a good hundred million dollars a year of taxpayer money to help combat.
I cannot believe people still buy this shit. Look out your fucking window, morons. You’ve been duped. I even have people on my tours asking those ridiculous questions. “How does global warming affect the animals here?”
Couldn’t possibly tell you, idiot, because they all froze to death.
It is truly astounding how stupid people are.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saccharin Overdose
Kids, you may wish to make an appointment with the dentist soon because your teeth are going to start decaying with all the sweetness you’re about to see.
These are photos of a baby panther owned by our wildlife show guy. I’m posting several because you cannot have enough cute baby animal pics. (And because he refused to look at the dang camera.)
Everyone say, “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!”
(No, I am not choking him on that last photo.)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Snakes On A Boat
We interrupt this program to bring you this STC special. [Update-photo finally loaded, scroll to see!]
If you have been paying attention, at all, you probably are aware that I work in the Everglades driving airboats. Now that we’ve established that everyone is on the same page, let me tell you a little story.
Some of you may have heard that we have a real bad snake problem down here...pythons, to be exact. And that would be true. We do have a big problem with pythons down here. I won’t go in to a rant about the asshole people who have caused this to be a problem, (along with iguana, dogs, cats and other sorts of animals dumped out here), because that’s not what this story is about and frankly, that rant would go on for days. Right now, I have a headache and I’d like to remain calm.
Why do I have a headache, you ask? Well, for one, it was a bit on the warm side today and when you add in physical exertion to that mix, some of us get headaches. Physical exertion? Yes.
See, there I was, on tour, giving said tour, minding my own business when suddenly a tourist pointed to the right hand side of the channel. I looked and looked and could not figure out at what he was looking. He asked, “Did you see the snake?!”, all excited. I was expecting to see some tiny ass banded water snake or something so I looked again, this time for a snake and holy shit what did I see but a huge ass Burmese python sitting there.
If you are in the Everglades and you happen upon a python, please call Fish and Game so that they can come out and get it. The reason for that is because these snakes EAT all of the native animals around here: birds, snakes, fish, alligators, etc. We don’t want them here.
I finished the tour and about two hours later was finally able to go out with a co-worker to see if the snake was still there and if we could catch it. We got in to the area and it didn’t take us long at all to find it. The thing is huge. I turned the boat around and we got as close to the chunk of land, (at the base of a pond apple tree...the root system), the snake was on. I held the boat in place while my co-worker searched for the head, found the head and then grabbed his snake clip thingies to hold the head so that we could drag the snake in to the boat.
Problem was, this snake was way too big for his tools so the grip was lost and the snake went in to the water. We thought we had lost it and were a little bummed. But, the snake eventually hit the side of the boat and naturally turned away from it causing it to swim right next to the boat.
My co-worker reached in to the water and grabbed the snake by the back end and pulled it part way in to the boat. My job was to take those snake clip thingies and clamp around his head when I saw the head.
Oh and I saw the head. I saw the head when the snake came flying up out of the water with its mouth open in our direction and hissing at us, ready to bite us. That was rather unsettling as this snake’s head is about the size of my hand.
I grabbed on with the clamp thingies but again, they were not designed for a snake this size so the snake easily slid out of them. At this point my co-worker told me to take the back end while he searched for the business end. I grabbed the back end of the snake and hauled some of it back in to the boat while my co-worker had his hand in the water looking for the head.
Kids...this was one strong ass snake. It started to wrap itself around my wrist and arm and was actually dragging me out of the boat in its fight to free itself from us. I told my co-worker, “I’m losing the snake...I’m losing the snake!” He’s yelling, “Hold on! Let me get the head!” I’m thinking, “DUDE! I’m not going in to the water with this fucking thing!”
Just when I thought I could not fight this thing any longer and I was going to lose my grip, he found the head. We hauled it in to the boat and started to play the game of, ‘let’s stuff it in to this plastic bag’. At first we tried to get the tail end in first but that wasn’t working out so well so my co-worker got the snake’s head in to the bag and held him down to the floor of the boat while I tried to stuff the rest of him in to the bag. The tail was easy. It was the rest of the girth that was a struggle. Not only was this snake heavy, he was strong!! I was trying to fold part of him to get him in the bag and he was not budging an inch.
After much fighting, struggling and yelling at the snake, (because yelling usually does the trick, “Oh! You want me in the bag? Well why didn’t you just say so!? You don’t have to yell at me!"), we got most of him in the bag. That was when my co-worker let go of the head.
Apparently I leaped over two rows of seats in a single bound when he said, “I don’t have the head anymore”. By this time though, it didn’t really matter because it was pretty much in the bag and he just tied it up. I stepped back to the driver’s seat and we came back to the dock where all our other co-workers jealously investigated our catch.
Our live catch.
Our 13 foot live Burmese python catch.
With our bare hands.
Not a single bite.
We made a phone call and tomorrow someone is coming out to destroy it. Now look...I don’t like killing animals when I’m not eating them. I have a real problem with that and I don’t feel good about this impending death either. HOWEVER, if we do not get rid of that snake, it will eat all sorts of wildlife out there, including alligators. This snake is big enough to consume a 5 foot alligator. And the area this snake was in, we have Purple Gallinules there, turtles, baby alligators, young alligators...all kinds of stuff in this particular area that this snake would easily have snacked on. In fact, two Purple Gallinules who enjoy our company were only about 15 feet away from this snake when we found it again to capture it. So, while I don’t like it, I understand it.
What I do like, though, is that I have a live capture of a 13 foot (estimated), Burmese python under my belt while most of the guys I work with have only caught dead ones or little ones. Some of them have issues with that and that brings me great joy.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
YAWN!
Looks like everybody had important things to do today. I drove morons around today. Not all of them were morons but most of them were. And cheap ass bastards as well. Cheap ass bastard morons. That’s one hell of a combo and takes great patience to deal with these types all. day. long.
Thank God it’s over. Tomorrow is another day. Hyuck, hyuck.
Right now I’m eating hard boiled eggs and shelled peanuts for dinner. Very exciting meal choice. It’s on the expensive side of the menu in all the high end restaurants and I am having it right now. Seethe with envy, kids.
When I’m done with that, I’m going to spend the next 10 minutes getting the knots out of my hair.
Hey, I heard a joke: How do Germans tie their shoes?
In little knotsies.
My German co-worker thinks that’s hilarious.
I wish I was rich.
Update Every night I say the same thing: “I’m going to bed early tonight.” And every night I do no such thing. However, tonight, I’m going to bed early and that’s final. Stupid people are too exhausting. I have to get out of the hospitality/tourism industry because I seriously cannot take any more stupidity. And this industry? Man, you meet the DUMBEST fucking people on earth. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...everyone should have to work at least, at the least, two years in a hospitality or tourism job. Then maybe people would stop being such fucking idiots.
Update Sometimes I just want to smack the teeth right out of people and their inSIPID questions. In the mornings, it’s still pretty cold...not horrifyingly cold but cold enough to warrant the work jacket we own. Especially because, as the captain of an airboat, I’m sitting high up in a seat and do not have a windshield or other passengers’ bulk to block cold wind from beating on me all day. Regardless of that situation, if I am feeling a bit chilly, I put on a jacket. If I am not feeling a bit chilly, I take that jacket off. I think we all learned this long, long ago. But apparently, some people in this world think I’m too fucking stupid to know how to care for myself.
So, today, I’m wearing my work coat because, again, I drove all day today and, again, it started off a little chilly this morning, especially, again, being the driver of said airboat way up high in the seat with no protection from said chilly wind. And at least for me, once I get chilled, I can be chilled the rest of the day.
At one point, as I’m tying up the boat at the end of a tour, one of the tourists asks me, “Aren’t you hot?”, referencing the fact that I’m wearing a coat.
This was a particularly shitty tour and the tourists were particularly shitty and boring and zombie like and really I just wanted the damn tour over with so I debated internally how to respond.
Evil won over.
I replied: “You know? I am but I can’t figure out how to fix that.”
She said, “Take off your coat.”
Me: “Take off my coat? Are you sure? I’ve heard that was just an old wives tale and that the actual process of removing the coat does not actually cool one down. Have you ever done it yourself?”
At this point I think she got the drift that I was fucking with her.
She didn’t tip me.
Bitch wasn’t going to anyway so it was worth it. Talk to me like I’m stupid, you’ll get the same in reply. Fucking idiots.
Alrighty then, with that, it’s time for me to hit the hay. Usual schmusual....clean litter boxes, wash hands, grab water bottle, peanut M&Ms, Kindle with “Under The Dome” by Stephen King and read and pop candy until I pass out.
My GOD my life is exciting!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I'm Baaaaack!
Well, well, well, look who did not heed my warning. YOU! Therefore, the boring attention whoring continues.
(I would like to say ‘thank you’ to Jan because she GETS IT! And Blood Spite...three years is unacceptable BUT I do give you props for saying something today. The rest of you? I eyeball you warily.)
Now. Then.
Back to the cell phone. I looked at my co-worker’s phone today and found out that the web access is total shit and would not suit my purposes. Those purposes being coming to my site, writing boring ass shit, detailing every last minute of my day, LIVE and sharing random thoughts. So..you have been spared for now but you will RUE the day when I do find a phone that allows me FULL access to the web in a ‘pay as you go’ plan and the phone does not cost the same as a car, she exaggerates.
It’s ok...the phone was ugly anyway.
So...today I drove and pretended I liked people for each trip. I now have a headache but it’s slight so I think I’ll live. For lunch, I had french fries. I was going to have a grilled chicken salad (sans salad dressing because there isn’t any at work..cheap bastards), but someone had fries and I made another co-worker go get me some as well. By the time I was done with the delicious, humongous fries, I no longer cared to dine on my grilled chicken salad. So I fed that to the birds.
Now, I’m about to go have some dinner...oh wait..I have to heat it up first. Shit. Eventually, I’m going to have some dinner, is the point.
When I got home, I cleaned my bathroom and the cat water dish out and that has been my day, thus far.
Oh, real quick before I go, (and I certainly hope you’ve learned something the past two days...this will not be the end of the post..pshaw! As IF you would be so lucky...updates WILL follow), I would like to thank the state of Massachusetts for pulling their collective heads out of their collective asses at a time when it was really important. Course, anything can happen anyway but it’s a step in the right direction and it most certainly does send a message. I see back pedaling in the near future.
Update The cats just knocked something over. They are always doing this. I have to go see what the hell they’ve wrecked this time. Cats are a lot of work. Gottdamnit! As I was writing that, they fucked something else up. Buncha little shits!
Update Turns out one of the cats was trying to get in to the cupboard where I hide the stash of cat nip. He was trying to be all sneaky about it but he knocked over a bottle of salad dressing, (yes, it’s unopened..der!), and that was the crash I heard. The little punk was looking for a fix. He has a serious drug problem. It’s embarrassing the entire family. I think I should contact A&E to do an intervention.
Update Reader, Mat, wants more anti-stupid posts. My God the stories I have....where do I even begin? How do I choose? Let me think which one I’ll share and I’ll get back to you. I have years of material about stupid people. YEARS!!!!!
Update The strangest thing has happened to me. Here I was, thinking of all of the stupid people stories and I got stage fright. Yes. I started doubting my abilities to write something to entertain. This does not bode well with me. The only thing I can think of is that when I do write about stupid people or one of my famous rants, it’s because I am writing it before I even know what I’m doing. Really. I do not sit down and think, “Let me write this..outline it, build the characters...” I just write it. In fact, often times when I write on this site, it’s something that just flows out before I even know what I’m really doing. Sure, I know I’m writing something and sure, I know I’m on my website but sometimes I’ll sit down to write something totally different and then out pops a rant or post about the stupid fucking idiot I had to deal with recently.
And the real kicker is, when I’m done, the venting is over, I will re-read what I wrote because I hate typos and grammatical errors, (although I still make plenty), and I’m almost fascinated by what I’m reading because it’s like I don’t remember writing it. Does anyone have a damn clue as to what I’m talking about? I don’t mean that I’m possessed or anything, I mean sometimes it’s easier for me to write something really good when I DON’T think about it and just let it happen.
Hm. I could have just said that last part and saved us all a couple of minutes.
Anyway, I was thinking about where I’ve recently met stupid people and these are the categories:
Work, Store, Post Office, Road, Parking Lot, Gas station....
Speaking of gas stations...I just went recently to fill up my tank on one of those cold, blustery days we had here. Because I work for tips, I try to spend the cash money on food and gas and things like that and reserve the checks for paying bills from my account. Whatever, anyway, so I go inside to give the counter person some money so they’ll activate the pump for me and I saw something that I see a LOT where ever I go....I’d like to know if you do, as well.
So, I grab my wallet, walk in to the store through one door while another patron is walking in to the store through another door opposite me. I see him look at me, look at the counter, calculate the distance we both are from the counter and RUN to the counter to be in line in front of me.
Is he serious?
Are all of the people who do this, SERIOUS?
Do I wear a look that states, “I’m a slow ass shopper and will hold you up for hours”? I’m the last person you need to worry about holding up the line because the less interaction I have with the public, the happier I am.
Does this happen to other people? And I don’t mean once or twice or even once in awhile, I mean ALL the time!
Ok, anyway, back to stupid people...wait...we just talked about one..but back to my list. I figured I just posted about some of the stupid people at work, co-workers and customers alike so that wouldn’t do. I already told you about cell phone bitch, the Post Office...I’m still not ready to talk about it, roads, parking lots...I write about those all the time as does everyone else...I need something original.
Like the bitch and the towing sign that I wrote about some years back. Or the bitch and my dog, that I wrote some years back. Or the bitch and the parking spot in front of the apartment building I wrote about a few years back.
I guess that is my destiny. I’m supposed to go through all of this with the stupid people, the bitches just so that I can come back here and write something out without being fully conscious of what I’m writing just to entertain you all. I can live with that...especially if people actually started commenting on those posts. Why should I suffer alone?!
Wow, I think I just bored even myself with this update so I’m going to find something else to do now. I think I’ve realized, you can’t force these posts...you just have to let them come to you naturally.
Update Kids, you got off light today. I mean, really, this was by far one of the most boring posts I’ve ever written but it was short and much like a quickly ripped of band-aid, the pain only lasted a short while. That’s because I had to drive all day today which meant I worked hard. I have to drive all day tomorrow, as well so you may get lucky then, too...we’ll see. HOWEVER! This Friday and weekend? The gloves come off!
And by the time I get two more days off, I will re-evaluate what has gone on around here and decide whether I shall keep with the boring or try something new. It all depends on you. THINK about THAT while I go get ready for bed. And then go to bed. And read...take a guess....have you been paying attention? Yes, that’s right, “Under The Dome” by Stephen King, the best damn story teller there ever was besides Mark Twain...and I will, again, eat peanut M&Ms until I pass out.
Tomorrow is yet another day, kids. Don’t you love it when people say that? “Tomorrow is another day.”
THE HELL YOU SAY!
And grass is green. The sky is blue. Chickens have wings. This is fascinating stuff, thank God you shared with me! Tomorrow is another day....all this time I thought tomorrow was the same day.
As Bill Cosby says, (paraphrased), “A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need it.”
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Another Day Of Silence, Another Boring Post
It’s a new day and that means it’s time for a new post filled with mind numbingly boring, trivial crap that you all, apparently, have been asking for with your NON action.
“Oh but Serenity, there’s comments on your other post! Please stop the cruelty!”
No. I will not stop. Do you know why? Because most of those comments were by ME and the rest of the comments do not equal the amount of readers I get by any respectable percentage. So, I may only assume that you must have enjoyed my ATTENTION WHORE post filled with boring insights in to my life and, therefore, shall continue. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!
Thus far today I have done one more load of laundry. The hamper is now empty. Right now, I’m about to get up and get something to eat. But before I do this, I’d like to pose a question to all of you that was asked of me in the comments to my last post because it is a fine, fine question.
Really, when ARE mattresses NOT on sale?
Chew on that one, kids.
And if you missed out on the post and comments below because you are the type who only reads the top post because you are LAME as hell!!!!!!!, then I implore you to take some time to get to know the bored me, the ATTENTION WHORE me and some of my real friends who actually engaged in conversation. You know, because they are not rude and respond to someone when someone is speaking to them instead of acting all indifferent and uncaring and making the speaker feel as if they are talking to a brick wall or themselves or both.
Now, I’m off to get my lunch. Oh but I’ll be back. You thought yesterday was bad? HA! HA HA HA HA HA! Amateurs.
Update Yes, already! I’ve decided that I’m going to create a new category for these posts. It seems wrong to put them under “Personal” because while your DEAFENING silence feels personal, it’s not what I want to think about when I think about personal things. So, I think I’ll create the ATTENTION WHORE category. Or something to that effect. I have to eat first so I can think clearly. Please feel free to pretend I’m not here while I do this. And don’t give me any crap about how you are at work which means you are working because you people are full of shit. I’ll bet you’re on your Facebook account right now writing something really stupid or telling the world that you just cleaned your fish tank in FishWorld, as if anyone gives a shit. You COULD be spending your time productively on this site but apparently you find your stank Cafe much more entertaining. I’ll be back.
Update Thought I’d share a little insight. I buy parchment paper. Do you know why I buy parchment paper? So that when I’m making my lunch, I can wrap my sandwich and my pickles up in the paper to give the affect that I got my lunch at a Deli so it will taste better. Really. I have no other use for parchment paper. Alright, I have my lunch now and am back at the computer but I’m not speaking to you while I eat. Two can play this game.
Update In other news...estimated 200,000 dead in Haiti, 1.5 million homeless. Geeez...man. You know what else is sickening about disasters like this? The cold hearted assholes who don’t care about those who were affected, the people who scam off of those trying to donate help and the people who think we should not be helping out. Yes, we do have our share of homeless and starving, anyone who debates that is an idiot. The point is, before you open your gaping maw to say such nasty things, throw some money to both.
Update I’m done with my lunch, btw. I had a great business luncheon with the cats. We exchanged ideas, opened the floor for complaints and/or suggestions for improvements. They thanked me for their new piece of furniture. I thanked them for actually using it instead of me wasting all that money. It was very productive.
Update I had forgotten all about Johnson and Johnson’s “No More Tears” spray. I had to use it as a little kid because my hair was so fine and it worked well. I rediscovered it when I went to the store to pick up supplies. All this time, here I’ve been, yanking and pulling at the knots in my hair after driving air boats all day. Totally unnecessary. I spray some of the “No More Tears” detangler on my head and the brush goes right through. Plus it smells good. Wow, I’ve been plugging a lot of products lately and not getting a dime for it. I’m a giver like that. Would be nice if some of you would GIVE some comments up. But hey, that’s alright, keep giving me the cold shoulder. I got plenty of useless crap to talk about. I’ve been storing it up for years.
Update I just remembered I’m supposed to make a new category for these punishment posts. I’m thinking of calling them PAW...Punishing Attention Whore...yes, I like the sound of that. As in, I, the ATTENTION WHORE, am punishing you all. It’s like a super hero name...or villain...I’ll go with either because that’s how I roll. Now, I’m off to comment in my own comments section of my own blog because SOME PEOPLE are kind and considerate and have left me comments that demand my attention. See there? ATTENTION. Someone spoke to me and I’m going to give them the ATTENTION THEY DESERVE! Unlike some OTHER people I know.
update I’ve been using a laptop for almost a year now and I’m STILL not used to this tiny ass keyboard. Currently I’m watching someone drown on t.v. These two statements do not go together, no. You are absolutely right. But you know what? I care not. Not only will I write boring, I’m also going to dismiss transitions altogether! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
Update A reader, (a reader who CARES, that is), has inspired me to branch off, periodically, in a new direction for these posts. Oh, no, I’m not going to go completely off the path...it will still be as dull as your mama’s face but it will add a slight twist to the whole thing. Now, you may be thinking, “A-ha! A twist! That sounds interesting! That means you have failed, Serenity because interesting is the opposite of boring! HA HA, we win!” Allow me to help you reach a new level of enlightenment. The twist is even more mundane than the main thoughts. You’ll soon see.
Update I wonder if I should put that candle over there or closer to that. Hmmm. I’m not sure those colors go well. Let me think on it for a moment.
Update Has anyone seen my car keys?
Update Forget the car keys. The cats probably have them. I’m going to go take a shower. Got some new products to try out. I’d tell you about them but I’m not so sure you all deserve that seeing as you’re NOT LISTENING ANYWAY.
Update Here’s something I’ve wanted to say for some time but always forget because it’s just never come up as a natural topic in my blog posts: Ladies...if you insist on wearing sandals or open toed shoes, for the love of GOD, pay attention to more than your damn nails. All I ever hear are ladies saying what a sin it is to walk around in sandals without painted nails...but they completely forget the rest of their feet. So, yah, you have nicely done nails but your feet are all fucked up, gnarled, dry, cracked and just fucking gross. I’d rather see smooth, soft well cared for feet with no nail polish than that shit some of you ladies are sportin’. Some of you have some ugly ass feet and should NEVER wear sandals EVER! Think of the children! I keep my feet covered, in shoes, THAT FIT and do not fuck up my feet so that some guy will think I’m cute and/or sexy, and my feet are soft and nice looking. If you insist on wearing shit that fucks up your feet, take those fucking things OFF the second you get home and start taking care of your poor feet so that the rest of us don’t vomit at the site of them when you choose to show them off in sandals again. There are these things called pumice stones or you can get special feet massaging wash and please, invest in some quality lotion. No, not that cheap ass watered down shit, QUALITY lotion...something that is heavy, creamy and rich. Seriously.
Update I somehow just cut myself. I’m not sure how the hell I did that since I have not been handling any knives or anything sharp. Very strange.
Update Sigh.
Update SIGH, I said.
Update So let me continue telling you about that whole cell phone story...the one I almost bought. At first, I went in to an actual store where they sell the phone and the plans. I walked in and waited while the snot hag behind the counter finished her personal phone call. There was no acknowledgment that I was a customer waiting to be helped, she just kept sitting there with the phone to her ear. I didn’t even hear her talking....just sitting there. With the phone. To her ear.
Eventually she put it down and said, “Yes?” Not, “Hi, how are you? Is there something I can help you with?” or, “Sorry that took so long” or “I’m such a shitty little bitch and have no customer service skills to speak of and I’m not clear as to why they keep me employed here but since I’m done listening to all of my messages on my cell phone and have nothing else to do, I guess I’ll see what you want. Why are you here?”
I asked her about the phone and a pay as you go plan. Her response? “Yes”. Ok, let me word this correctly. I said, “A couple of my co-workers have this phone but they have the $50 a month plan. I do not want the $50 a month plan because I don’t use the phone that much. Do you have a ‘pay as you go’ plan?”
Her: Yes.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: Ok, now, are there certain phones that are to be purchased with this plan or do all phones work with that plan? (I asked this because some companies operate just like this.)
Her: :::waving arm dismissively towards the phones::: You can get any of those.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: And in this ‘pay as you go plan’ is there an expiration date?
Her: You just repay when you use the time up.
Me: I understand that but is there an expiration date for that time/money I put down?
Her: You just pay when you run out.
Heavy, heavy sigh.
Me: Yes. Again. I understand that. My question IS, is there an expiration for that time/money I put down. Like, does it only last a year?
Her: You just put money on it when you run out. It’s pay as you go.
Someone fucking kill me.
Me: Yes, I GET that. What I’m ASKING is, say I put $30 on that phone. Say, at the end of a year, I’ve only used five of those dollars. Will that time/money expire? Say I don’t use that $30 for 10 years....will it still be there in ten years?
Her: Um..yah, you just put money on it when you run out and need more time.
Fucking! Forget it!
Me: Is there some contract or anything I can read to explain this?
Her: You don’t sign a contract.
Me: Do you have any literature to read?
Her: No.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
I then looked at the phones under the glass counter top and then looked at her while she stared at me looking at her and then looking at the phones again and then looking back at her. O. M. G.
Me: So....can I look at one of these phones?
Her: You have to come back when the guy is here.
Me: What guy?
Her: The guy that sells the phones. You can come back this time tomorrow.
I glance up at the clock. It’s almost 5pm. Is she saying that the “guy” will only be here “tomorrow” at this time or does he, perhaps, have a schedule that lasts for oh, say, at least 4 hours if not 8 hours tomorrow and that I can choose any time between this time and that time to show up? I say nothing but look back down at her waiting for more information.
Nothing further. Just staring at me while I stared at her waiting to see if she might offer more information. None was forthcoming so I trudged on.
Me: So you’re saying you cannot help me?
Her: You have to wait for the guy.
Me: You couldn’t have said that at the beginning?
Her: (shocked...she was actually shocked that I might expect some sort of helpful information!) ::staring, mouth open wide then utters a teen-age girl scoff/laugh:::
Me: Nevermind, fucking idiot.
(Yes, I did say that.)
So, couple that with looking around on the computer and having a moment to think, really think, just how much I use the phone and how I’ve done just find thus far without one and you can see why I am not getting a damn cell phone. The company should give her an award..perhaps “Employee of the Month” since she lost them a sale.
Update I was just cleaning the litter boxes, (again!), and I thought of something regarding the cell phone. The reason I was even remotely serious about looking at it was because it had a camera/video and web capabilities. See, my digital camera died and the one I want to replace it is really expensive and since I can’t seem to get my readers to come back, repeatedly in a day, I don’t have as many advertisers as I could have and make enough money to buy that camera which, in turn, would stimulate the economy, help a few people keep their jobs and I could snap fabulous and though provoking photos to put up on my site, I thought it would be a good alternative for the time being. I mean, some kind of photo is better than no photo at all, right? Besides, the sample photos seemed to be pretty decent quality. And, also, the web thingie.
See, I have to work again tomorrow which means that I will not be here all day to update my boring ATTENTION WHORE posts, (don’t think for a minute that you’re getting off the hook because I can still write a hell of a lot of useless shit in the three hours after I get home and before I go to bed....is all I’m sayin’...), because I can’t very well type on my laptop while driving an airboat. HOWEVER! With the phone, complete with Qwerty keyboard, (tiny though it may be), I could still actually punch out a few things during the day in between tours and kids, you have thus far been spared some really horrible shit because I have not had this ability. See, by the time I get home, I’m so mentally exhausted from the stupidity of it all that I close the doors, windows, curtains and blinds to block out the world in order to decompress and find some kind of sense again and when I do finally feel I have enough strength to continue on, I have forgotten much of what drove me to that state in the first place. But with a cell phone with keyboard and web access DURING THE DAY...it will make these past two posts look like child’s play. Remember my post about my co-workers making me stupid? That was just stuff I hadn’t blocked out. Imagine if I typed it all out in real time! You could live it WITH me!
So I’m going to rethink this whole phone thing again. But I think I’ll go to a different store because that stupid bint behind the counter at the one I went to will definitely get me in trouble. And we just don’t need no steenking trouble, now do we? No, we do not.
Update And, with all of that said, I’m again going to bed to continue reading, “Under The Dome” which is a fascinating story by none other than Stephen King, on my Kindle which is about the coolest damn gadget I’ve ever owned and again I’ll be popping the peanut M&Ms like a sloppy, drooling, trailer park trash pill popping drug addict until I pass out.
And I will be back tomorrow. And I’d damn well better have some comments to let out of moderation. And I may just try to figure out how to stop moderating comments so that you can all have conversations in the comments section when I’m not around.
Until then, kids....
Update Fooled you, I’m still here! I came back to bring you this breaking news...actually, let me do this correctly:
BREAKING NEWS: As of this moment, comments are no longer moderated. You do still have to fill in the captcha shit because I’m not down with spam but I am going to allow a free for all in the comments until someone fucks it all up for everyone. Do not disappoint me, kids.
Monday, January 18, 2010
You Heathens
Why have none of you ever mentioned at any point in the past 7 years just how cool Crock Pots are? I shouldn’t have to ASK, you should just tell me.
I’m putting you all on notice.
And I may come back and make more asinine statements in this post today because I’m incredibly bored. I actually have everything done that I need to do and have been scouring stupid sites on the internets all day today. You have been warned.
Oh, and would it fucking kill you to leave a comment once in awhile?
In fact, the more you all do not comment, the more I’m going to write extremely trivial and boring shit on this here blog. You really do not want that. You think I’m kidding? Don’t test me. I can go on and on for hours talking about boring ass shit that is of no interest to you, whatsoever.
So you wanna play me? Ok, let’s begin with laundry. I have done 3 loads of laundry today. I have two more to go. This includes folding them and putting them away. I use Gain laundry soap. I never measure, I just guess. And then I pour in the fabric softener at the same time, I don’t wait until the washer tells me to do it because I like to live dangerously. Rules are for pansies and little girls. When they are done washing and drying, I like to pull them out of the dryer, hug them to me and take big long deep breath...God I love the smell of Gain.
Wasn’t that fun?! Keep up the silent treatment and I’ll give you a “How To” on folding fitted sheets.
DO NOT MAKE ME GO THERE, KIDS!
You aren’t doing shit today anyway. You’re off work, yes, but I bet you’re sitting on your couch, staring blankly at the television, scratching yourselves and picking Doritos crumbs off the front of your shirt. So spare me the, “I was busy” crap because I know you lie. I got more where that laundry discussion came from.
Update There’s a mosquito in my house.
Update It just bit me.
Update Twice.
Update I’m now eating dinner. It’s a dinner I made in my crock pot that none of you bastards bothered to tell me about in the last 7 years. The mosquito is dead. I’m not having him for dinner. Although the thought crossed my mind.
Update Earlier today I almost purchased a cell phone because I haven’t had one in a few years. Meaning, I stopped paying on my “pay as you go” phone and I think they gave the number to someone else. Although I still write that as my phone number when I order something online. I mean, what difference does it make? I’m not going to talk to the company on the phone because I hate talking on the phone. I’d prefer to conduct my business via email because people really irritate the shit out of me and holding and shitty music and press 1 for this 2 for that and all that other horseshit really grates on my nerves...so it would be pointless.
And I don’t talk to my friends on the phone because I have no friends. Then when I do make a friend, for however long that friendship lasts, especially if it’s a guy friend, I would be constantly looking at it, checking it, wondering why it’s not ringing. Why am I not getting text messages every other minute? ZOMG, they must hate me now. I must have said something in my last text or email or phone conversation that made them think I’m strange and now they don’t want to talk to me but can’t figure out a way to tell me they don’t want to talk to me so instead they’ll just not talk to me at all and leave me hanging wondering, forever, the error of my ways; I’ll travel through life, numb, trying to figure out what it was but because they didn’t have the courtesy to just tell me, I’ll never know; far and wide, to the ends of the earth I’ll search for the answers, I’ll ask strangers on the streets, “What’s wrong with me? Do you think it was this or that or was it how I said the other?” and they’ll scream about the crazy lady harassing them and I’ll have to run off before the cops show up and end up in yet another town to meet another one who will do the same thing and on and on through my life it will go until I die a slow, painful, lonely death always wondering, “Was it something I said?” but never once stop to think that maybe it’s because other people have a life and just because I do not have a life does not mean every one else needs to be there for me 24/7 to entertain me to fill that chasmic void which will in turn drive the person away but of course that won’t click for some time and I’ll email those I know and analyze every last damn angle, syllable, word, punctuation, minute to death until they get sick of talking about it and to me and vanish for awhile and then I’ll feel all fucking stupid and depressed and then get pissed off and think, “fuck the world, I don’t need ‘em anyway” and vow never to let that happen again and sever all communication including devices such as a cell phone.
I then decided not to get the phone. I just saved myself $80 today. I deserve a reward.
Update For dessert, (quick digression: People, please learn the difference between “dessert” and “desert” in spelling. You use the “s” twice in “dessert”. If it’s too difficult for you to remember this simple spelling, then use this lesson I was taught as a kid: You put more s in to dessert because you want more dessert, you do not want more desert. As someone who used to live in the desert, I can attest to that), I had a glass of chocolate milk. Not just any old chocolate milk, I got soy chocolate milk. Oooh, I can see the eyeballs rolling now. Spare me, kids, I’m no veggie head or granola eater. I just ate two pork ribs from my crock pot...which, by the way, was falling off the bone my GOD why didn’t you assholes tell me about these things before? However, as much as I hate regular soy milk, (seriously, that shit is nasty), I love the chocolate milk because it’s not too rich and doesn’t feel heavy after you drink it. It’s got just the right texture, just the right flavor, right weight to it...it’s perfect. I prefer Silk brand myself. If you’ve never had it, just spend the $3 next time you go to the store and just try it. And yes, it does actually taste like chocolate. The first sip you take, there will be a slight soy after taste, I won’t lie but take another sip right after it. It’s good and it’s not that fake ass dieting chocolate crap that companies try to pass off to fatties who are trying to lose weight but can’t keep their pasty mitts off the chocolate bars. Their substitute for chocolate is fucking vile. This Silk chocolate milk, on the other hand, is perfect. I’m off for now to finish my glass but I’ll be back with more boring ass shit for all of you out there ignoring me as if I do not exist.
Update One of the cats is trying to eat my scalp.
Update I’ll have you know, I just cleaned the litter boxes. Do you see the excitement that you miss around here when you don’t bother to stop by! You no longer phone, no longer write...this is the thanks I get for raising you for 7 long years?!?! UNGRATEFUL SWINE! And just when, exactly, will you be producing some blogkids for me to pretend I give a shit about pretend I give a shit about? Do something with yourselves. Get up, get a job, cut your hair and fucking stop by once in awhile just to see if I’m still alive. I could be dead, lying in a pool of congealed blood for WEEKS and no one would know with the amount of attention you give to me.
Update Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I have just partaken in “ATTENTION WHORE” week. If you all keep this up, I could turn it in to ATTENTION WHORE month. Or even ATTENTION WHORE year! Keep acting like you don’t remember who I am and we’ll just see what happens, Mr/Mrs/Miss SmartyPants.
Update I’ve just been informed that commenting on my own comments in the comments section of my own blog is an accepted ATTENTION WHORE technique, per Dogette, the genius behind the celebration.
Update I have watered the plants.
Update My internet went out for a few minutes so I was unable to update you all with my status. This is unacceptable because I, too, am BUSY AND IMPORTANT!
Update I am now going to bed and will continue reading, “Under The Dome” by Stephen King, (my favorite), and eat peanut M&Ms until I pass out. I will probably wake up tomorrow with an M&M wedged, melted underneath me. And I will once again post boring and utter crap for everyone out there who pretends they’ve never heard of me. This is your own fault so I don’t want to hear any bitching about this. YOU did this. I learned it by watching YOU!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sometimes The Stupidity Is Painful
As it should be.
Kids...seriously, people are stupid. Stupid. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!
First of all, it has been cold as hell here in Miami. It’s been in the 30s, low 30s and with wind chill added in, it feels like it’s in the upper teens to low 20s. That’s cold no matter where you live so don’t give me your sob stories of how it’s -89 degrees where you live.
The first part of our stupid people marathon is the fact that even though it’s 30 something degrees with a wind chill making it feel like upper teens to low 20s, and even though one of those days it was also raining, people still came out for airboat rides.
I’m not kidding.
“Oh I’m used to this type of weather.”
You fucking moron. Do you stand outside for an hour out in the freezing ass cold rain where you live? Do you hop on to a boat and speed around on open water where you live? Do you allow yourself to get soaked to the bone and remain outside for another 45 minutes with temperatures in the 30s, where you live?
NO! You do not. Use. Your fucking! brain! Gottdamnit!
But they came. And they laughed at us, all bundled up, scarves, 6 layers of clothing, gloves, face masks, hats, etc. Oh they thought it was the funniest damn thing they ever did see. Ok, mother fuckers. You think that’s funny? Just you wait.
On the tour they went, hysterically laughing at all of us “light weights” in Miami. Until we picked up speed.
See, not only was it in the 30s with freezing ass rain and wind making it feel like it was in the upper teens to low 20s, add in another 30mph to that from the airboat.
Oh! What’s that?!
You’re FREEZING! IT’S COLD?!?!?!?!?!?! THE HELL YOU SAY!
Once they got a taste of that wind blasting right in to their faces, they were no longer laughing. All they could do was sit as close to each other as possible and shiver the stupid out of them. But we weren’t done with them yet.
No, you don’t get to go back to your heated little vehicle just yet..you still have to sit outside for another half an hour to watch the show. Oh yes, you paid for it, you’re getting it. You didn’t want to listen to us, you wanted to piss, bitch and moan about your money, fine. Freeze you fucking tools.
And freeze they did.
Oh how we laughed.
And the next day, more idiots came out to try it all over again. And today, they’re probably going to do it again...thankfully I’m not there to watch them because I really, really cannot take it anymore. I really felt like punching them all in the face and asking, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
We even had one douche bag come in to the store, shivering, asking, I do not lie here, if it would be cold on the boat.
That’s the point I had to turn around and walk away. So this is what stupid looks like.
The second file in our stupidity marathon is brought to you by moronic fucks trying to stay warm inside their homes. Kids, a space heater costs what, $30, $40 dollars? Not too expensive. And why people act like Miami has never had a cold day before, EVER, (yearly we get at least a week), I’ll never understand.
So, space heaters are flying off the shelves, one store stated he sold 300 one day, 450 the next day, 200 something the following day..cha-ching! Good for him. (People might have thought to purchase one of these at any time of the year before it gets cold down here. Granted, it has not been THIS cold since forever but it does get cold here every single year to the point of needing some heat.)
But one family was too cheap, too fucking lazy to go get a space heater or plan ahead. So what did they do to keep warm? Why! They decided it would be a grand idea to bring the BBQ PIT INSIDE THEIR HOUSE and move it from room to room, lit, to keep the place warm.
GENIUS! SHEER BRILLIANCE! I wonder why no one has thought of THAT before!!
It must be a South American thing because I’ve heard of others who have done the same thing and destroyed kitchen ceilings in their rented homes. They’re lucky that’s all that happened.
Getting back to our genius family, you’ll never guess what happened! No, seriously, you’ll never guess!
Hey, how’d you guess? That’s right kids, they all got carbon monoxide poisoning from the fucking charcoal used to light the grill. And they proceeded to spread the toxic fumes all over the house when they kept moving the grill from room to room. They are all now in the hospital.
Well hot damn! That idea worked after all! They’re all warm and snug inside their hospital beds! There’s no need to throw away thirty hard earned dollars on a space heater! We’ll just put ourselves in the hospital and get free heat!
Finally, 3rd stop on our idiot fuck marathon, the dipshit who left a space heater in the “baby’s room” unattended. I wonder why my house caught on fire?!!!!
Kids...please feel free to smack the shit out of the next stupid person you encounter and tell ‘em it’s from me. It doesn’t matter where you live, they are everywhere and I just do not have the time to get to them all. In fact, let’s make this a new cause…
Slap the stupid out of people!
